normalcy suits me best.

My family is a movie quoting family, hard-core.

One of our favorites from childhood is, 
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." (Robin Hood)

I felt this to the most intense degree on our recent amazing adventure.

Taking it back a bit…

This summer was a rough one for this mama. I had NO IDEA how healthy it was for the boys to have some time away from each other until Lee stopped having preschool two mornings a week this summer…

The days dragged on because honestly, I was burnt out and maxed out before days had even really begun, like pre-10 am.

I was tired, quick to anger, slow to remember patience and often didn't feel much more than fleeting moments of joy in my chosen/given occupation/role: motherhood.
I felt guilty (of course) and unfulfilled and guilty some more.

Several months earlier, as the result of a string of events, Kevin and I had decided to and subsequently booked a trip to visit a few cities in Europe at the end of the summer with my sis and BIL. Hello dream vacation for this Europe loving soul.

My angel mother had graciously agreed to watch our three children while we were gone for ELEVEN DAYS.
(None of us knew at the time that this would end up being at the end of a summer completely filled with event hosting, world travel, missionary children coming and going, children moving cross-country, children starting college, as well as more than a handful of family weddings and mission farewells and homecomings outside our immediate family.)

Also worth noting: this was my first time leaving my kids, ever.

Kevin and I have historically been awful with prioritizing "us" time, even before we had kids. We were married but we we’re dating, you know what I mean?
But we'd finally worked consistent date nights into our monthly schedule last winter and of course it was the best decision ever.
Thus, more capable and used to thinking of us:couple us and not always just us:family of five us, we felt like this trip would be a really incredible time to spend with each other. And we recognized a good window of opportunity when we saw one, I wasn't pregnant nor did I have a newborn for the first time in over FOUR YEARS.

My trepidations (as worrying is first nature for me, working on it becoming less than second nature…) were laid aside and we were going.  And we felt really good about our decision.

We spent A LOT of time the coming months planning and preparing.

Researching cities, sites and travel guides, booking airbnb apartments, getting train tickets, public transport info, skip the line museum passes, etc....

We were as ready as we'd ever be and to be frank, most of me wasn't concerned about leaving the kids. Except for my parents' sake. Like I said I became so burnt out this summer I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, an “at the end of the summer I’m going to get a break, and an amazing one at that” thread.
The end of August finally came and, just as all my friends were getting their kids ready for the start of another school year (the joy of having only babies and preschoolers), we made the drive (read: trek) out to Utah and I spent about a week there with the kids before I flew out.
Sister seemed determined to help me feel ready to go by uncharacteristically waking up several times every night and even staying up all but 2 hours or so of the night before we flew out of town in the morning.
This post isn't intended to be about our trip though; I will post PLENTY about that soon.

It was wonderful to be back in Europe and seeing old favorite and new favorite places. Being able to come and go and do as we pleased was fantastic. I mean really, really nice.
Meal after meal without interruption of our conversations and eating when things were warm. Being able to go all day without taking out time for naps, unless I wanted one. Not having to wonder if the kids were going to get up during the night. Ha. Such luxuries.
I saw people everywhere with babies though, the airports, the streets, etc... And I'd feel this stab of missing my kids. I'd even sometimes watch home videos of them on my phone as we got ready for bed.  But I felt SO separated from them, literally worlds away. It felt weird. It was odd not to share each moment of my days with my children, not to hear their voices in the morning and all day long. Not to have them ask me questions or feed them, or change diapers, or wipe noses, or clean up the same messes a hundred times. It was weird not to share my experiences with them. I’d see something and instantly think of how Lee or Drew would have been SO EXCITED.

A little over halfway into our trip we finally connected with my Mom and were able to Facetime with the kids a bit, whew.  Here we were in ROME and I just wanted to spend the rest of my day talking to my kids.  They were ESTATIC to see our faces, Drew cried when one of us was out of view.

Their smiles, their tales, their voices, their intense love all of it was wonderful. Ah. I missed them, officially and intensely.

About a week before the end of our time away I got hit with a crazy stomach sickness that dragged on throughout the rest of our trip.
One day I was feeling particularly bad, just wanting to be home, in MY bed with MY bathroom, not missing my once in a lifetime trip sights huddled in the corner of a bathroom….

That evening my sister was Facetiming my mom and my boys came on. I felt such a surge of love. They were concerned for me, asking what was wrong, making me laugh with their funny voices and speech patterns, sister bobbed her head excitedly when she saw my face on the screen.

The mommy siren came wailing on extremely and suddenly all my dreams of world travel and even my perspective of the trip I was on got blasted back into perspective.


 I started thinking again about WHY I do what I do. 

About how, when actually given a chance to put those parental obligations on hold for a bit, how hollow the happiness the adventures bring is comparatively.

Did we see and experiences remarkable, wonderful things? Yes.

Did it bring the kind of lasting, deep-rooted joy and satisfaction of parenting? No.

We were actually a bit surprised.

As we walked down some beautifully quaint and moonlit streets one night in Rome, Kevin and I talked about how wanderlust is fun but not fulfilling. We expected this to feel like a second honeymoon, excitement and happiness just completely brimming over but it wasn't because now, unlike then as newlyweds, a huge part of our family was missing. Don’t misunderstand, we Loved it. We had such an amazing time. But it wasn't forever; it wasn't what we'd always want to do. And especially what we'd want to have as our top priority.

You can't pretend you don't have kids when you're away. Once you’re a parent it doesn’t go away, that obligation and that gifts that come with it are always there, tugging at you, reminding you where you’re needed.

We saw some of the most beautiful things and places in the world and ate really delicious food.

 My art-loving heart was filled with admiration for the works I finally got to see of masters' I'd studied for years and years. And my foodie stomach couldn’t get enough (until I got sick of course).

It was so good. But it wasn't the very best.

There I was in some of the most beautiful and wonderful places I may ever be, and I found that I didn't want to wait too long to get back to wiping tears, giving kisses, changing diapers and breaking up fights day in and day out.
And I understood better, because of my time away, why, for those with the opportunity, being a parent is the greatest and most important position someone can hold. Working to fill that truly divine role brings a depth and breadth to life that can't even be mimicked by any other endeavor, adventure, or attainment.
Here I was on a dream vacation and I craved “mommy normalcy”.

In my exhaustion and weakness, I had allowed myself to get caught up in the glamour of the side of life that so many couples and individuals my age seem to lead; perfect and endless wardrobes, fancy houses, luxury living, consistent exotic travel, designer parties and whatever else looked much more amazing on social media than my life when I was emotionally, physically and mentally fried.

I let my vision slip and couldn’t clearly see the beauty in MY day to day living that meant I was mothering three angel children;

The tight leg hugs that leave physical reminders behind, cause you never can get all the food off a toddler’s mouth.

The laughter of contented play.

The joy of children newly discovering the world.

The love between siblings.

The spirit that comes with a child’s prayer.

The chaotic happiness of wrestling time with Papa.

 I’d started to forget how precious those moments were to me. 

I don’t think we made the wrong choice going.

I don’t think you have to go on an incredible adventure to maintain equilibrium in life either. 

I think we learned a lot about what we need as a couple and a family. 

I think I’m so blessed person to be able to be a mom.

I think that being a mom and wife will continue to be the best and hardest things I do.

I know that God will make right all that is wrong about the world for those sweet and wonderful people I love that want to be parents and can’t.

I know God can help those of us in the brutal “young mother” stage see the good, see the magic and feel His love for us and our children. 

I know too, that life will continue to be real and hard, we had an incredibly difficult drive back home from Utah to Texas after returning from our trip, one I’d like to fade in my memory and my muscle memory (too much travel, my body HATES sitting now) as soon as possible.

I know with God’s help we can progress and change, even and especially in our parenting.

I know I love these three faces (below); captured by Kevin on the most normal of evenings just before we left on our trip, dirty faces, sandwiches, pj’s and all. 

In fact, I LOVE that this “normal night” was captured.  “Mommy normalcy”, I know better now, is exactly my cup of tea.