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| Bottle "tree" that I LOVE. |
The past few weeks have been quite the journey for me and
baby Lee. Finally when he was nine
weeks old, (just two weeks ago now) after copious amounts of deliberation, I
started feeding Lee bottles. I
thought the struggle with nursing would go away after Lee got bigger and
stronger. The struggle he had at
the beginning is very normal for premature babies like him. Not to say that knowing that made it
any easier for me. We tried
EVERYTHING at first. I spoke with
three separate lactation specialists and tried anything and everything they
suggested; a syringe, an SNS (or tube feeding) and finally a shield, which is
the only thing that worked at all in the end. The last lactation specialist I saw explained that many
babies who are born even a few (in our case four) weeks premature haven’t
developed the strength needed to suck as hard as they need to feed
well. She explained that I
shouldn’t expect him to be at that level until he had reached his actual due
date at the end of May.
Of course sweet Lee’s due date came and went and still, he
would not eat without the shield.
It was manageable, especially compared to how he had been before but it
still made me feel uptight every feeding and stranded at our house. The shield made it practically
impossible to feed using a cover, that in combination with the fact that Lee
generally cried at the beginning and end of every feeding, and always sometimes
in-between made it very difficult to feed him outside of our home.
I thought several times about just “giving up” and trying a
bottle but I’d determined before he was ever born that I would absolutely nurse
him and the material I read and the nursing class I went to all taught that it
was basically ALWAYS possible for ANYONE to nurse a baby if they stuck with it
enough. I studied all the benefits
of breast milk vs. formula and since I was going to be a stay-at-home mom, I
didn’t see any reason that could possibly deter me from my decision to nurse. So, even the thought of feeding with a
bottle made me have a guilty pit in my stomach.
Finally one Sunday night, we were over at my brother Scott’s
house and Jenna and I were feeding our babies. Lee was really struggling and crying as usual and Jenna
finally said, “you know Michelle, that really isn’t normal.” I told her of my
frustration with nursing and how I kept waiting for it to be that special
bonding experience that so many talked about. I told her how I had come to dread every time feedings
rolled around, which is frequently with a newborn. I hadn’t even realized quite how much it had all been
weighing on me until I started to talk to her about it. And Jenna said, “just try a bottle
Michelle, there’s nothing wrong with that; you and Lee should both be happy.” Jenna gave me just the validation I needed and that night, I
started feeding Lee bottles and he’s been bottle-fed ever since.
At first I thought I would continue to use breast milk but
after just one night of pumping after every feeding (yes Lee is still waking up
ever 3 to 4 hours) I realized that it just wasn’t manageable (for me) to
continue on that way. Lee is
basically completely formula fed now and we are both happier than ever.
I still feel guilty sometimes but I’ve begun to realize that
all my guilt comes from my worries about what Others may think of my decision,
not what I feel deep down is best for me and Lee. So, I’m trying to push away those feelings whenever they
come cropping up again.
Again I’ve had the opportunity to learn to be less quick to
judge others’ decisions and circumstances. I’ve learned first-hand that not
every baby is cut out for nursing and that it’s OKAY. Man, someday, I’m going to stop needing to learn things the
hard way. (hopefully)
To any of you who may feel as I have sometimes, with my decision
to bottle-feed my baby, that people may be judging you, maybe they are (I did),
but they don’t know and it doesn’t matter. No one will ever know exactly what
is right for you and your family but You and God. How grateful I am that we
have a Heavenly Father, God, who cares so intimately about the happiness of
each of us that He’ll bless a struggling first-time mom with peace about bottle
feeding as many times as she needs.
