life; post-graduation update.

up Spanish Fork Canyon

Life continues to surprise me.  Being pregnant is the most bizarre and  uniquely physically taxing thing I've yet to do.  Things happen that I'd never thought of being a possible result of pregnancy, and the expected things happen too, but they feel different than I thought they would.  It's so easy for me to worry; worry about my body being a good "host" for little McGuire boy-to-be, Worry that he's developing like he should; that I'm doing all the things I can to make it a "good" "healthy" pregnancy like eating right, exercising, putting my feet up, doing pregnancy yoga, etc, etc, etc.... Even things like making sure I don't chicken out at the doctor's and ask my questions about the things that have been concerning me for the last month.  Silly. (not to ask questions, but to need to give myself a pep talk to ask them) And I'm always trying to push past my fears and anxieties.

I graduated with my Bachelors (finally) in December, after basically a full 4 year break due to serving a mission and then working full-time in Rexburg while Kevin got his undergrad degree. I went to one last semester this past fall.  I had planned on going for at least another year and building up my "art-making" stamina again while simultaneously building up a portfolio to apply for a MFA but when we found out we were having a baby not only did I know that I wanted to focus on the time I could finally be a mom but, I felt strongly that I should graduate in December rather than April, even though going this next semester would have kept me busy and I could have kept my student job.  Being home all the time has been quite the adjustment itself.  One of the biggest things I've found to be difficult is dealing with the guilt that comes, sometimes daily.  I am so used to doing a million more things than I have time for and packing my schedule that this totally self-directed time at home has left me feeling guilty at the end of the day. Whether it's because I enjoyed the things I worked on all day or that I don't feel like I did enough different things that day, etc... I feel bad frequently.  I know I get it from my Dad, I just go crazy if I don't have too much to do.  (Growing up my Mom said that really I hated summertime because there wasn't enough to do, and consequently she had to give me lots of tasks, which I thought I hated, to keep me happy.) I'm learning to adjust to the change and I'm trying to utilize the time; sewing, painting and reading especially, but it's been an adjustment nonetheless.  Probably doesn't help that I am So anxious for this baby to come. I just keep being taught that everyone, in whatever situation they are in, or seem to be in, has to struggle to keep a balanced and healthy life.  As President Monson said, "There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize."

There are things that I'm really loving too; like being able to sew things for the baby and paint whatever I want, I love finally getting to read some of the books that I've been meaning to read, I love getting together weekly with my sister-in-law and two cousins who are all mothers of babies and being lifted, taught and loved, I love that I can be really involved in my calling as the Mia Maid Advisor, that I have a schedule that allows me to exercise daily, do laundry every week consistently and even clean the house sometimes. Obviously most of all I am so grateful for the reason that I'm home every day, I get to be a mom soon, at a time that was completely unexpected, I thought I may never go through the experience of carrying and giving birth to children and I feel so incredibly blessed that Heavenly Father blessed us with the miracle now.  I still don't understand His timing, or even pretend to anymore.  But I know that He wants us to believe in His miracles and learn how to find the fine line of believing in His miracles and accepting His will. I imagine that is a lifelong lesson to be learned over and over. 

One of the greatest helps to me has been President Monson's recent counsel to choose to have a positive attitude everyday.  With all the uncertainty and things I can't control I can focus on one thing I can control, my attitude about life each day.  As my Grandpa Tanner said, "it isn't what happens to us in life, it's how we feel about it." It has been truly empowering for me to choose to have a positive attitude, even when I'm fearful or when Kevin is having a bad day, or I am.  So, like Anne of Green Gables, I'm so glad that no matter how well I did the day before, today is new "with no mistakes in it."

"Presenting the baby belly..."

"...so you see, there it is."

(I'm pretty sure only my siblings will get the reference above, but it's what popped into my head.)

 

 

Kevin and I at the Red Ledges by our house.

I could really get used to this kind of weather in Utah in February.