what i couldn't see.

It’s funny how we seem to be able to spot the improvements or happiness or growth of others and can be so blind to it in ourselves.

For me maybe it’s because I tend to get “trucking along", caught up in the immediate tasks at hand; cleaning up spit up, changing a diaper, putting away toys, reading books, doing dishes, picking up food my toddler threw, again. Often the busyness of the “everyday” keeps my thoughts singled to the very moment I find myself in.  Maybe it’s because my “progress of the soul” seems to happen at such a slow rate that it’s easy to miss. 

Whatever the reason, I was startled when my aunt Janet told me yesterday how good it was to see me so content with my life.  I hadn’t realized, not really anyway, how true that statement was.  I found myself thinking about what she’d said over and over that evening.  Why hadn’t I seen it? What changed?

My struggle with contentment started over four years ago, soon after I got married.  At the time I didn’t know that my weight gain and struggle to loose it were affected in part by a condition I didn’t know I had, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This would also be the cause of my inability to have children for three years.  I remember telling my sister how I felt like I was “past my prime” and I’d never feel beautiful again. I struggled with my self-image as I continued to battle with weight loss and infertility, I even lost all the natural curl I’d had in my hair during infertility treatment. I remember day after day getting ready and not really looking at myself, disappointed with what I saw.  A quote from a favorite movie would often pop into my head; “as usual this is as good as it’s going to get” and I felt that.  Add to that the struggle and sadness I felt, waiting for my life to really begin and be meaningful because I wanted desperately to be a mom. (more on that here and here)

I was blessed with my first miracle baby in April 2012 and I thought my struggles would end.  I loved my baby with my whole heart but I found that I still did not love myself.  My body felt awkward and foreign, my new life did too.  I struggled through each day and each night with a baby that wouldn’t eat or sleep. I wondered hopelessly how to overcome so many “struggles of self”.  I could barely make it out the door, let alone exercise or eat well (if at all) or have good, helpful scripture study or meaningful prayers, though I desperately needed them.  If I had a quiet moment, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I felt a lot of despair and awful guilt.  I was finally a mom and all I could do was complain and lament about how awful I felt as an individual. Five months later I was miraculously pregnant again. And yet I struggled with feelings of fear, despair and guilt. Fear that I wouldn't be able to be a good enough mom to two, despair that I would never be in control of my body and guilt that I wasn't being a good enough mom to the son I had. 

I realized all I could do was try, so I did.  I tried to read from the scriptures or the words of living prophets’ whenever I had the chance; even it was in bite-size increments. I tried to exercise as many days as possible, even if it meant walking around the house or up and down the stairs during a nap.  I tried to eat well; I rid our house of foods that were bad for me. I tried to be aware of food quantities. I tried to ask for help when I needed it, especially from Kevin. I tried not to be so hard on myself. I tried to count each step in the right direction as a victory.  I tried to see each day as a new chance to be a little better; I tried not to look back and focus on failures. I tried to see myself as the sum of my victories and blessings and not as what I didn’t do or what I physically wasn’t. I prayed throughout the day for help, help to overcome the weaknesses I had, help to be happy, help to be a better and kinder wife and mother. I prayed to see God’s hand in my life that day, every day.

And without hardly any detection of my own,

I was learning to love myself “in transit”, but I couldn’t see it. 

Sure, I could tell I felt better than at my lowest points. But until my aunt pointed it out last night, I had somehow missed how much more content I’d become with who I am.

I’m still learning to love myself (of course), still trying to do those things that help me feel content with myself while I push through and try to be better and happier. I have bad days. Good gravy! I have "epic fail" days. But I have good days too and every day I've looked for it, I’ve found God’s hand in it.

Once again I’ve been reminded that God is good, He teaches us lessons through others. He knows what we need, He has a plan that is perfect for each of us. He hears our prayers of grief, pain, distress, joy, gratitude, fear and love. He wants us to overcome our weakness; He wants us to be content while we travel through our life’s journey and not just when we finally find ourselves at our destination.

So, from one who needed it, tell someone/everyone the good you see in them.  You never know what it will do for them.

Happy Monday!

Just In Time.

our moving trailer at our house in Spanish Fork.

Driving through Houston after landing.

It already seems like a lifetime since we moved from Spanish Fork (Utah) to Texas.  But in reality it's only been...two and a half weeks... I can't say that our moving experience made me super keen to move again any time soon.  I know part of what made it so crazy was everything else we had going on at the same time; trip to Arches, Kevin's graduation, Lee's birthday, family events, lots of goodbyes, etc... But I found myself seriously wondering if I was going to make it through sometimes.  To spice things up we also seemed to have every step of the process be up in the air until the very last minute; we got the ok from the landlord here at our furnished apartment AFTER Kevin was on his way to Texas, just in time.  I was cleared to leave by my OB/GYN a few days before my scheduled flight, just in time.  All in all it was a really crazy, emotional time.  It was really hard to leave, not only were our two years in Utah most likely the only time we'll live close to most of our family and lots of close friends, but we really loved our ward family (church congregation) too and it was hard to leave them as well. I didn't even get to "goodbyes" with some of my closest friends.

*sidenote: I worked in the YW Presidency and I can't get it out of my bones, the youth in our new ward did a musical number during church last Sunday and I had to remind myself that I wasn't working with them. (maybe I'll get a chance to someday soon.)

I fight anxiety and pessimism and, of course, a cross country move, new job, house hunt and a new baby on the way all at once in a new and completely foreign place gave me lots of things to want to feel anxious about.  I can say that though I've had and have my very anxious and stressed moments I have felt such overall peace come as I've daily turned to the Lord in prayer and scripture study.  More peace than I could ever hope to have on my own.

One of the most anxious things for me since we got here has been looking for a house.  So many factors to consider, things you can only guess about, AND a seller's market. Literally just in the weeks leading up to us coming, I noticed that houses for sale in the area, in our price range, that we liked, would be available for sale for one day at the most.  Well that has continued to be true.  Of the 4 houses we liked well enough to put an offer on or try to put an offer on, each seller received multiple offers within the first 24 hours of putting it on the market.  What an emotional roller coaster; like a house well enough to be willing to buy it just to find that we're never going to be able to compete with a cash offer or an offer 2 hours after it's listed without the buyers even seeing the house first. Most of the time there just wasn't anything worth seeing available.
We of course, really wanted to have an accepted offer in on a house Before Kevin started working if at all possible since otherwise, in this market, not only would I need to see a house "we" liked alone, but I'd have to put an offer in on it before he'd even be able to see it after work.  Well, as per standard for this moving adventure, we saw a house we really liked (REALLY liked) come up online on  the Sunday before Kevin started work, we decided to see it first thing Monday morning (holiday) and when we saw it, we loved it.  Well, by the time we got an offer in, we found out that two other offers were also made and that the sellers would let us know their decision by noon the next day. We adjusted our offer a bit, considering the competition, but again we're really not in a spot where we can be very competitive. I thought for sure we had no chance. I didn't doubt that we'd get into a house in the area we were supposed to be but I did doubt that a house we liked in an area we loved would be that house, something I continue to struggle with, believing that God wants to bless ME with miracles.
I went to bed so frustrated with myself for my faithlessness, "how could I be this doubting?" I kept thinking, we have a huge miracle sleeping in the other room and another that is about to join our family.  WAY bigger miracles than getting a house.  As I was expressing my frustrations in prayer I had the feeling that I needed to believe that God could/would bless me with this miracle when it was right. 
Well Tuesday morning, to my complete shock, we got a call from our realtor telling us that they'd accepted our offer.  So, just in time, if all goes well, we will be first-time home owners at the end of June. (just in time for baby Drew to join us.)

Parts of this talk from the latest General Conference from our church have been so timely for me.
Here's one of my favorite quotes;

"Brothers and sisters, do we really think the critical factor in the salvation of our children is the neighborhood where we live? The apostles and prophets have often taught that what happens inside the home is far more important than what our children encounter outside. How we raise our children is more important than where we raise them."

-Elder Stanley G. Ellis


Beginning to love it here;
We feel so good about being here and, because of the distance from family,  having a chance to establish ourselves as our own family unit.  The independence and freedom that results from living far away from family has already been really good for us.  We're excited to be able to make our own family traditions and schedules. (though this doesn't keep us from missing family quite a lot sometimes...we're so grateful for technology that makes "seeing" family and keeping in touch so manageable.)

greenbelt by our apartment.

park in the part of town we'll ^^hopefully^^ be living in.

Overall, we are LOVING it here. (In spite of the challenges that have come with the move.)  We love The Woodlands.  It is one of the most beautiful places I've lived. (And hottest, one of the hottest for sure. Not used to the intense humidity yet.)

Things that have made us love it;
*In spite of the humidity we've been trying to go for walks out on the greenbelts or at one of the (literally) hundreds of parks here in the city.  It is such a change from the mountain and dessert landscape of Utah I'm accustomed to.
*As always, it's really good for the soul to get out and about in nature for at least a little while every day.

At a pond our first day here.

Evening greenbelt walk.

*Getting to know a place with a different climate is really fun.  I can't believe how different it feels to live in the middle of a forest.  We always hear birds chirping and see them in the parks, at the ponds and on the greenbelt trails.  It also makes for a whole new adventure trying to get my bearings here.  There are no landmarks, only trees, you can't see anything from the road except trees, even store signs and street signs are right off the ground. (thank goodness for GPS)
I'm sure it will all become so commonplace that I won't think about it eventually but for now I'm enjoying the newness of it.

The apartment complex we're staying in.

Driving down the road.

Parking lot.

* We have loved being able to spend our free time taking Lee to playgrounds and parks. He loves being out and playing with us.

swinging.

Slide with Dad.

* We are trying to find humor in all the things that have come with living in a different place and being in a transitory state until we move into a house. Like Lee's constant sweaty status.  He is a champion about it, but he almost always looks like he just got out of the bath. Getting lost consistently. And the "classy" furnishings in this furnished apartment.

matted, sweaty head.

shower curtain rings.

* In spite of the stress of house hunting it Has been fun to see lots of different houses and think of putting down roots in a more permanent way than we've ever known.

Lee in a model home.

* Time with friends has also been SO good for us.  We have a friend from our mission that works as a Geologist for the same company as Kevin and having a few dinners with them and getting to know them better has been a great outlet for us. We've also been able to see Kevin's best friend from his undergrad in Rexburg. (who is interning for the summer in Houston)

ice cream mustache on Memorial Day.

yum.

 

* Being able to try new foods and see some family has been a blast.  Kevin's cousin and his family are in Fort Worth while he goes to med school and they happened to be in the area this weekend, it was so fun to see them. The food and atmosphere at Snookie's Fish Camp and Grill was awesome too.  We had the most attentive and kind server I've ever had, true Southern hospitality.  (and we loved the greasy food, even though our stomachs didn't quite as much) The deep-fried cornbread balls, known as "hush puppies", served with spicy nacho cheese sauce were surprisingly delicious. And I loved the fried catfish, which I did NOT expect.

Cousin Dan, baby Mason, baby Lee, Kevin.

All of us outside the restaurant.

grilled catfish=delicious!

all you can eat appetizers on the house.

blackened, grilled tilapia and onion rings.

Lee totally soaked himself at the splash pad across the street from the restaurant.

one of those days.

Today has been one of those days.  I have felt frustrated, irritable, unproductive and generally lousy.  Part of the problem is Lee, let me explain...
Recently (aka this week) Lee has become very agitated, he doesn't nap for more than 15 minutes at a time, and he spends a lot of his time tensing his whole little body and angrily grunting. Usually clawing my face or neck in the process.  Ex-haust-ing.

*Lee this morning.*

I hate most of all that I don't know how to make him more calm, I have tried every little thing I can dream up and nothing seems to help all that much.  Poor boy.  The added demands and stress have left me feeling SO on edge, grumpy and blah.  Kevin was good to remind me (over and over) last night that my #1 job is to BE Lee's mom and thus, even though I did very little else yesterday, I did the most important thing.  I know he's right but it doesn't feel like enough or good, etc... I am having a bit of a time letting go.  Today has been much the same, I didn't even bother getting baby Lee dressed today, never thought I'd be one of "those" moms who lets their child hang out in the pj's that they spit their peaches all over that morning, but today I am. I decided to eat lunch before getting to my list of people I needed to contact for some reason or another and of course by the time I'd finished Lee was up from his "nap". One of those days. Kevin urged me to get out of the house, at least long enough to walk down the street to where our mailbox is with Lee so I did.  It was my first time putting Lee directly into the stroller instead of his carseat first and...he got stuck.  I could not for the life of me get the buckles to come out. One of those days.  And deep down I know it's okay.  But the deep down is having trouble getting to the surface today.  One of those days.  My agitation has made me hungry but we haven't been shopping in at least a week.  I hate not having salty munchies when I "need" them.  One of those days. 

AND THEN...

... we have blissfully peaceful *moments* and I can't help but think of how much I love this kid.  I know days like today pass just as quickly as the good ones and soon he'll be all grown up and so I guess it's okay that today has been one of those days.

our choice.

As I've alluded to earlier, I'm really working at finding inner peace about how my day to day time is filled and used.  It's hard, admittedly, to do all that I want to for myself and others.  I find that my "natural" tendency is to feel failure if even One thing from my "list" is left undone at the end of the day.
I've thought a lot about how to figure out not only what types of goals I should make personally, but also what the quantity and intensity should be.  I am a *box-checker* by nature and thus a day filled with bathes and diaper changes and stories read, dishes and laundry done and tidying can feel unproductive.  I know that it shouldn't, but if I'm being honest with myself, it does.  I don't naturally feel accomplished or productive if I haven't done quite a bit more than that.  I find myself having ongoing dialogues with myself, trying to convince myself to feel good about what I've been able to do or conversely telling myself that if I would only get up earlier, be more determined, etc... I could really be doing so much more.   I think that somewhere in the middle is probably the safe, healthy place we should all hope to find ourselves in but for me that's easier said than done.

Well today, with these kind of thoughts in mind, I was reading material from the Mia Maid lesson I'm preparing for my class on Sunday and this statement from President Packer hit me and continues to roll around in my head and heart as a piece of truth I needed to hear today;

"Remember, young people, (I'd insert 'all people', though I consider myself quite the youngster still...)I want each of you to remember that this is your Church, and He is your Lord and your Savior who stands at the helm. His constant guidance and inspiration are available to you when you keep your mind filled to overflowing with the good, the beautiful, the inspiring."

This message from President Packer reminded me that I'm not facing my personal challenges and struggles alone, that I'm not part of someone else's organization as a bystander, that I'm not a numberless observer of someone else's life progress.  The Savior in His perfect and infinite goodness, gave me a personal invitation to do with the truth and His Salvation what I will. I choose to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because I want to, Christ is my Savior, my eldest brother, my Lord and that means that I have access to His help with my struggles and desires.  He wants to help me find a righteous balance in my life, in spite of all the changes that will surely keep coming, or as I wait for certain changes and blessing. With His help, my mind can be "filled to overflowing" with wonderfulness instead of negativity. I can do my best, try a little harder each day, invite goodness into my life and enjoy my journey through new motherhood and whatever follows because Christ atoned for me, my sins and weaknesses.  It's my choice to be alone, or not. And I think that that is *good, beautiful, and inspiring*.

Happy Monday.

*In this talk President Packer speaks extensively on the power of good (or bad) music in our lives, I feel strongly enough about music to fill several addition posts...but please, check it out, here.

life: postpartum.

I have so many thoughts and feelings and they just weren’t coming together in the way I hoped so, a list will have to do.

 

·     * Lee Daken is the most wonderful blessing and miracle Kevin and I have experienced to date. 

·      *The process of delivery is a beautiful miracle.

·     * The incredible women who place babies for adoption to give them a better life are some of the strongest and  most selfless people in the world.

·     * A mother's-love is one of the most powerful things I have ever felt.

·     * Babies are so incredibly close to God.

·     * Each birth of a child is a miracle.

 

·      The desire and longing to be a mother doesn’t make me super-human in dealing with the physical strain of a new baby that doesn’t sleep at night very much.

·      Trying to meet the simple needs of an infant can be absolutely exhausting.

·      Spending all day everyday trying to meet the simple needs of baby Lee has brought the greatest happiness I’ve experienced as well as the greatest physical strain.

·      I don’t know how you couldn’t be absolutely obsessed with your children.

 

·        * I can’t watch or hold our sweet Lee enough.

·     * I don’t know how to properly thank our Heavenly Father for the much-desired blessing of being a mother.

·    *  My heart aches for those I love still waiting to be wives and mothers.

·     * I feel like I can relate to Alma the younger in his feelings after he repented and received forgiveness in my feelings during our trial of faith with infertility and since Lee was born;

Alma 36:20 “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”

 

* There is so much physical and emotional change that comes with having a baby. 

  *   Having a baby really changes a body physically. Those changes, though maybe not permanent, are really hard emotionally while they last.

*It is really emotionally straining when you don’t know how to help your baby. (i.e. when Lee had Jaundice or when his circumcision site was bleeding and we had to take him to the E.R. or when he wouldn’t eat at first and I tried everything with the aide of 3 different lactation specialists before I had any success.)  

      PS, Everything is fine now, all that happened in the first week of Lee’s life.

In his Billibed.

 

*     It takes no time at all to feel genuine and sometimes painful concern for your children. (I can’t imagine what it will be like when they have emotional hardships too.)

*     Nothing but continuously praying for strength and guidance could get me through being a new mom and having absolutely no idea what I’m doing really.

*      Motherhood has brought me a strong sense of need for the Atonement of our Savior.

*      Being a mother is the most wonderful occupation in the world for me.

 

·     * A good dad/husband makes all the difference for a tired mom/wife. Kevin has been my lifesaver.

·     * My own mother is an absolute SUPERSTAR, I can’t imagine how she managed to raise 6 of us with a husband that had very demanding callings in our church that required him to be out of the home most evenings and Sundays basically the whole time we were all growing up.

·    *  My Momma saved me the first few weeks of Lee’s life and we BOTH miss her like crazy now that we’re away in Colorado for the summer.

Me and Lee on our first outing.

The whole family.

 

·     * I can only imagine how hard it must be for our Heavenly Father to let us suffer to become like Him and to let Christ suffer so that we are able to return to Him someday.

·    *  My mind can easily go crazy wanting some semblance of order and activity in my life while my physical body is just not ready for it yet.                                                          

 

*      Family truly is the most important thing in the world, in whatever type or size of family we find ourselves.

*      Our waiting and struggle has affected every aspect of being parents now, we are different people and parents than we ever could have been if we hadn’t gone through that particular trial first.  

 

*      I STILL don’t understand God’s timing but I daily have to keep reminding myself that God knows truly what’s best for us and that I have to put my trust in Him.

*      As the sons of Mosiah learned from reflecting on their mission experiences in retrospect, I know that God fulfills ALL His promises and hears ALL our prayers.

Alma 25:17 “…the Lord had granted unto them according to their prayers, and that he had also verified his word unto them in every particular.”