Waiting for baby McGuire...

This is a 3D ultrasound taken at 29.5 weeks as part of a study I've participated in at the hospital.

 We're actually getting "close" to meeting baby McGuire, 9 more weeks. (hopefully) What's a few weeks after almost 3 years of waiting? A lot it turns out, at least for someone as anxious and impatient as me.  I'm just so thrilled to be becoming a mom.  Seeing these ultrasound images made it seem real...almost.  (disclaimer: my sister informed me that these ultrasounds are only exciting to people who are/will soon be moms, so sorry if you, like her, don't like ultrasound pictures.) I still have so many mixed emotions, not about having him, I couldn't be more excited for that, but about the blessing of it in general.  Everyday it still seems "too good to be true" and too much of a blessing for me, something I still haven't "done my time" for yet.  Aka, I still feel nervous and guilty sometimes because I get to be pregnant and having a baby.  I know that God is in charge and His timing is perfect, so why is it that sometimes I think that something bad/hard must be on the horizon to balance out the good in my life?  Argh, why can't I change my untrue and incorrect perceptions of God's traits faster? At the same time, I feel so intensely excited to be a mom, Kevin and I have watched others have their children and longed for that to be us so badly and now according to the doctor and the size of my stomach, it is going to be us.  And it's hard to believe it's real.  I know that motherhood isn't a walk in the park, babysitting can be completely exhausting and it doesn't even require night-time duty.  But, it just seems like such a minimal "price" to pay to be able to have children be part of your eternal family...sometimes, and then on the nights that I get no sleep here at the end of pregnancy it feels a lot harder.  Basically, I'm still feeling a lot of joy, excitement, wonderment, guilt, nervousness, exhaustion, pain and marvel at the idea of becoming a mom. 

On top of trying to balance all of those emotions, I'm trying to work through the necessity of three different "birth plans", if you will;
1)Baby McGuire comes early and Kevin hasn't left for his internship yet.
2)Baby McGuire and I are looking good a week early and they induce me so Kevin can be here.
 3) Kevin has started his internship and I just hope he can fly back in time for the delivery.

Ha. If you know me well at all, you'll also know that I have a NEED for planning ahead and organization, it's a big way I keep myself from being/getting anxious.  Usually.  In this case, it's not really an option and again, I find myself having to rely fully on the Lord's will and perfect knowledge rather than the vast array of unknowns that I have available to me.  I have felt peace and deep down I know that I can handle whatever scenario is right but there is that part of me that clings to having control that gets a bit anxious from time to time.  I feel like the Lord keeps offering me ample opportunities to prove that I trust Him and find my peace and hope in His plan.

I feel like I've had a lot of things that have helped me deal with my impatience and anxiety these last months though. First, I've been blessed to have a calling working with the Mia Maids in my ward that keeps me involved and active in my ward; it has also blessed me with a means to get to know a lot of wonderful women and young women in our ward.  I've also been blessed by keeping myself busy during the day with all my projects and tasks.  I've found that having craft projects and even cleaning and organization goals has helped me stay busy and also has helped me feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in this adjustment period of time.  I've also been tremendously blessed by keeping in touch with people and getting together with so many of my friends that live close by right now.  It has helped to remind me how many people Heavenly Father has put in my life in the past years to bless and change my life dramatically.  With the extra time I have right now I've tried to stay closer to the Spirit, by expanding and limiting different things.  Expanding the time and effort spent studying the scriptures everyday has brought a tangible difference into my life and our home, as it always seems to do.  Limiting the amount of media we/I view each day has made a huge difference as well.  Kevin and I were feeling a bit "dull" and we were trying to figure out exactly why.  I found myself feeling anxious most nights as we went to bed without being able to pin point a reason why.  All we could figure out was that maybe watching TV for the while between dinner and bed was the culprit of the problem.  So, we decided to try a pretty strict limit and see if it made us/me feel any different. We decided to limit our media "consumption" to no more than an hour or one movie a day, if any.  I had some trepidations at first, after all, I spent a majority of my days, cleaning or sewing and watching TV or a movie were a natural way to pass the time.  But I also knew that I didn't like the way I felt, so we went ahead with our "experiment".  Our limits have done wonderful things for us,  we've found that we spend  much more time actually Communicating when we're in each others' company, the dullness of senses is gone, I don't feel anxious when we go to bed, and I've found that the lack of media during the day has allowed me to have much more time to think, ponder and pursue other interests, like reading, (but reading should actually be classified as a passion not an interest). I've also found I've had time to start keeping a journal again which has been a really helpful way for me to identify and work through emotions and situations, not to mention the opportunity to have a record of the big and little things going on in our lives right now.  As we've discussed the effects of our "experiment" Kevin and I both identified one of the biggest blessings as the huge increase in the Spirit in our home, there is a peaceful and happy feeling that is so much stronger.  I feel like media can be a taboo subject for many but, I would recommend an experiment like ours to anyone and everyone.  I hope that none of what I've shared sounds preachy, I feel my weaknesses and what I lack keenly but I Have seen ways the Lord has helped me feel different, better and more liberated from feelings that aren't from the Spirit.

I'm so grateful for the Lord's plan, for the Atonement that blessedly allows me daily opportunities to fix the many mistakes I make every day.  We focused on 2 Nephi 31:20 in Sunday School yesterday and I've been thinking about it ever since. I am so grateful that we don't have to rely in "the arm of flesh" for the good things we want to have happen in our lives, or to put our trust in.  I'm so grateful that relying in the Lord offers So much more than relying on men ever could;

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of  hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

So in my imperfect way...I'm waiting for baby McGuire.

 Here are a few more pictures.

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