let go.

I've talked about it before, I'll probably talk about it again....since I've yet to master this weakness (and a couple others...).
Almost without fail it seems like with the passage of time comes a rekindling of some of my old ways of thinking, seemingly without my notice.
Days go by, life is busy.
And inevitably the day to day grind of raising a 2 year old and a 1 year old and being 30+ weeks pregnant leaves me feeling like I'm just "this close" to drowning in all that I should do, handle, teach, keep up, manage, etc...
Not to even mention all the things I'd like to make time for, on the side, that keep me thinking, creating...sane.

I am completely aware that motherhood is the greatest blessing I've experienced, and I feel moments of gratitude daily for the miracle of having any children at all (see post here).
But that doesn't make me good at being a mom or a homemaker or a wife...as much as I wish the desire and gratitude did in fact translate into ability and stamina.
But that not even the point of this post.

The point is, I don't generally wallow in those hard moments>>
I expect them, basically always.
And here's where a weakness of mine comes in.
I am SO good at expecting perfecting trials in life, but I am SO not good at expecting blessings or good things.
I try desperately to count my blessings and I know that I am so blessed, and that scares me too.
I naturally tend to think, "life is too good, I'm so blessed, what awful thing is about to happen?"
I'm also that person that expects every hardship I hear about to happen to me next.
I also think that somehow the trials of motherhood shouldn't "count" because after all, I really wanted and want to be a mom. More than anything else. And children are unquestionably, a blessing.

But after weeks of my -way too old to be up most of the night- "baby" is up for days and weeks on end and my sweet 2 year old just can't seem to get over his fear of being somewhere without me and I have to leave him screaming in nursery, again. And my days become a blur of runny noses, messy shirts, poop stained clothes, (theirs and mine) food smeared floors and general chaos....even though I don't feel like I have the right, I feel pretty overwhelmed each day and night.
So you know, guilt+anxiety...
Perfect.

Well, I'm at that "feel like I'm nearly drowning, sick about it, don't know what to do, guilty, exhausted" stage last week...
And I'm out exercising by myself, which never happens. I took advantage of the time to get a little scripture study in too, while out in nature and without interruption. It was a beautiful day.

I was reading "The Resurrection of Jesus Christ" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Read about living prophets in our day here.

As I've listened to and read this address before I've been struck by the powerful evidence of so much of God's plan for His children that is confirmed just by knowing that Jesus Christ is a living, resurrected being, a God like our Heavenly Father.

But this time...I was caught by insight into the reaction of the disciples from His time when He rose from the tomb as a resurrected being;

E. Christofferson spoke about how those disciples closest to Christ at the time of His death did not comprehend or believe in the miracle of His Resurrection until they had seen Him with their own eyes...

"Despite what the Savior had repeatedly said of His death and subsequent rising again, they had not understood."

And speaking of the joy they felt when they knew that Christ had overcome death;

"But that joy came only as the disciples became eyewitnesses of the Resurrection, for even the declaration of angels that He had risen was at first incomprehensible--it was something so unprecedented." (emphasis added)

When I read this I was reminded that sometimes,
even for really good people, trying to do their very best,
even for Christ's own disciples,
God's blessings are hard to imagine, expect or comprehend.
Even when the promise of them is given over and over and over.
Even when we have felt, feel and know in our hearts that God is a loving Heavenly Father that wants so badly to bless us.

I'm not saying we have to see a miracle before we can believe in it, but I realized that I'm not alone in my struggle to fully comprehend just how much God can and will bless me.
And that my struggle to expect His blessings and goodness is a worthwhile endeavor.

My mom has always told me (this may very well be a famous quote, I can't remember)

"Let go and let God."

Meaning that I need to let go of trying to be in "control" of what may come in my future by fearfully anticipating it.
And let God guide my path, bless me with challenges AND tremendous gifts.
And let go of trying to quantify and qualify my feelings, it's okay for a blessing to feel like more than I know how to bear at times. It doesn't have to mean I'm somehow ungrateful just simply that some blessings stretch us past our previous capacity.

As a reminder of just that goodness and desire to bless us I struggle with,  I was blessed with another reminder of God's character in this address.

This quote from it (below) could have been said directly to me, considering my struggle.

(It seemed only fitting to put such a perfect reminder for me with a picture I snapped from that day I was out exercising and was blessed with another tender mercy reminder...
plus I'm obsessed with surrounding myself with powerful quotes.)


I have obviously not quite mastered this yet but I was and am grateful for a reminder that even really good people struggle to fully comprehend God's goodness.
And it's okay, just keep trying to believe it.
In this as in all struggle, we are never alone. I know that for certain.

I know I'm not alone in my struggle to "let go and let God" bless me and help me, I hope I (we all) can learn to put down my umbrella and catch more of the constant shower of God's blessings for me.

"that's not who you are."

Recent events and continuing struggles for some people dear to me have made me think back to those three years (see post) I waited and wondered if I'd ever have children.
Those were not the happiest times in my life, in fact they were some of the darkest,  I'm so in awe of the people I love who are handling similar heartbreak with vibrant and strong faith in God's timing and will.  But I recognize now that I tried the best I knew how to handle my circumstance at the time and I think most people do. We are innately much stronger than we think and feel we are, if we could just remember and believe it all the time.

Now a little over two years later, blessed with two miracle boys, I still can't believe they are ours sometimes.

I also can't believe the struggle that is now ours as parents. These last few months I have felt stretched so far beyond my capacity to handle, I've thought on numerous occasions that I'd physically or mentally give out, literally. With a bad sleeping phase of Drew's that started about 3 months ago I realized that the less sleep I got, the worse my thoughts seemed to become. I started having very negative thoughts about myself and terrible moments of anxiety again. I was fighting thoughts of worthlessness in my role as a mother, and a huge lack of capacity. I felt like I couldn't be a mom, I was failing that terribly at it.  I worried for my children, how they'd be affected by a mom that couldn't cut it.  I was filled with negative and frantic energy and (needless to say) deep guilt. I, who had waited desperately to become a mom, was awful at it and frankly, not enjoying it much. I felt like a hypocrite and a failure.  These thoughts, of course, pushed out any calm, faith and love I felt.

One day, I couldn't get Drew to go down for a nap (this was still back when he was just starting into the no-sleep zone) in the middle of an anxiety attack I called my mom, desperate for some advice or wisdom. I shared how I felt, mostly about myself, and she shared a simple phrase that was the turning point for me to start coming back to a realistic, healthy and kind view of myself.
She said at one time, when she was really struggling with anxiety herself, she was counseled to remember that thoughts and feelings that bring negative energy are not from our loving and concerned Heavenly Father, they come only from Satan. She was then counseled to remember, "that's not who you are". She said she started to say that phrase aloud or in her mind to herself when she could feel her thoughts moving in the wrong direction, "that's not who you are" and getting herself  back in a safe mindset. I was a bit skeptical but the truths she'd shared rang true, deep down, and I was willing to try it.
"That's not who you are," I said in my mind the next time I found I was on the edge again, rocking Drew when he wouldn't nap again. And like a light turning on in a dark room, I could feel the truth of it push the other thoughts away, and the validity of the negative thoughts that had started to pour in was gone.
I believe there is great power, for those of us who struggle with anxious and depressed thoughts, in finding and clinging to powerful statements of truth in times of need and reminder.
This is where you'd expect me to say that, since I'd learned how to battle the anxiety (again), the trial went away.  Well, Drew took his first nap in several months since then....yesterday, and I had to go and be with him three times. I'm still getting less hours of sleep than what you can count on one hand. And yet to say this is a trial, makes me feel guilty and lame all over again, here I have people I know, and loads of people I don't, experiencing real heartbreak and tragedy, sickness and sadness.  I know I'm just a little sleep deprived but comparisons aren't helpful to anyone who is already feeling bad about feeling burdened by their particular circumstance I suppose.  I have no idea what lies ahead on my journey through life, but I do know that whatever trial or struggle, the truth is always the same. Our Savior, because he selflessly atoned for me (us), we are never alone, we are never hopeless, we are always capable, because of Him, if we'll accept His help. It sometimes really feels like we're going it alone, doesn't it? But I believe and God has reminded me over and over again that we can always see His hand and Christ's help in our day-to-day if we prayerfully seek it.  I'm still learning how to do that consistently and well.   I always feel a bit vulnerable sharing these experiences publicly but I do it because I hope that if you, like me, find yourself needing to be reminded of the truth of who you are and what you are worth, remember that those other things you may be tempted to think, "that's not who you are."

Waiting for baby McGuire...

This is a 3D ultrasound taken at 29.5 weeks as part of a study I've participated in at the hospital.

 We're actually getting "close" to meeting baby McGuire, 9 more weeks. (hopefully) What's a few weeks after almost 3 years of waiting? A lot it turns out, at least for someone as anxious and impatient as me.  I'm just so thrilled to be becoming a mom.  Seeing these ultrasound images made it seem real...almost.  (disclaimer: my sister informed me that these ultrasounds are only exciting to people who are/will soon be moms, so sorry if you, like her, don't like ultrasound pictures.) I still have so many mixed emotions, not about having him, I couldn't be more excited for that, but about the blessing of it in general.  Everyday it still seems "too good to be true" and too much of a blessing for me, something I still haven't "done my time" for yet.  Aka, I still feel nervous and guilty sometimes because I get to be pregnant and having a baby.  I know that God is in charge and His timing is perfect, so why is it that sometimes I think that something bad/hard must be on the horizon to balance out the good in my life?  Argh, why can't I change my untrue and incorrect perceptions of God's traits faster? At the same time, I feel so intensely excited to be a mom, Kevin and I have watched others have their children and longed for that to be us so badly and now according to the doctor and the size of my stomach, it is going to be us.  And it's hard to believe it's real.  I know that motherhood isn't a walk in the park, babysitting can be completely exhausting and it doesn't even require night-time duty.  But, it just seems like such a minimal "price" to pay to be able to have children be part of your eternal family...sometimes, and then on the nights that I get no sleep here at the end of pregnancy it feels a lot harder.  Basically, I'm still feeling a lot of joy, excitement, wonderment, guilt, nervousness, exhaustion, pain and marvel at the idea of becoming a mom. 

On top of trying to balance all of those emotions, I'm trying to work through the necessity of three different "birth plans", if you will;
1)Baby McGuire comes early and Kevin hasn't left for his internship yet.
2)Baby McGuire and I are looking good a week early and they induce me so Kevin can be here.
 3) Kevin has started his internship and I just hope he can fly back in time for the delivery.

Ha. If you know me well at all, you'll also know that I have a NEED for planning ahead and organization, it's a big way I keep myself from being/getting anxious.  Usually.  In this case, it's not really an option and again, I find myself having to rely fully on the Lord's will and perfect knowledge rather than the vast array of unknowns that I have available to me.  I have felt peace and deep down I know that I can handle whatever scenario is right but there is that part of me that clings to having control that gets a bit anxious from time to time.  I feel like the Lord keeps offering me ample opportunities to prove that I trust Him and find my peace and hope in His plan.

I feel like I've had a lot of things that have helped me deal with my impatience and anxiety these last months though. First, I've been blessed to have a calling working with the Mia Maids in my ward that keeps me involved and active in my ward; it has also blessed me with a means to get to know a lot of wonderful women and young women in our ward.  I've also been blessed by keeping myself busy during the day with all my projects and tasks.  I've found that having craft projects and even cleaning and organization goals has helped me stay busy and also has helped me feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in this adjustment period of time.  I've also been tremendously blessed by keeping in touch with people and getting together with so many of my friends that live close by right now.  It has helped to remind me how many people Heavenly Father has put in my life in the past years to bless and change my life dramatically.  With the extra time I have right now I've tried to stay closer to the Spirit, by expanding and limiting different things.  Expanding the time and effort spent studying the scriptures everyday has brought a tangible difference into my life and our home, as it always seems to do.  Limiting the amount of media we/I view each day has made a huge difference as well.  Kevin and I were feeling a bit "dull" and we were trying to figure out exactly why.  I found myself feeling anxious most nights as we went to bed without being able to pin point a reason why.  All we could figure out was that maybe watching TV for the while between dinner and bed was the culprit of the problem.  So, we decided to try a pretty strict limit and see if it made us/me feel any different. We decided to limit our media "consumption" to no more than an hour or one movie a day, if any.  I had some trepidations at first, after all, I spent a majority of my days, cleaning or sewing and watching TV or a movie were a natural way to pass the time.  But I also knew that I didn't like the way I felt, so we went ahead with our "experiment".  Our limits have done wonderful things for us,  we've found that we spend  much more time actually Communicating when we're in each others' company, the dullness of senses is gone, I don't feel anxious when we go to bed, and I've found that the lack of media during the day has allowed me to have much more time to think, ponder and pursue other interests, like reading, (but reading should actually be classified as a passion not an interest). I've also found I've had time to start keeping a journal again which has been a really helpful way for me to identify and work through emotions and situations, not to mention the opportunity to have a record of the big and little things going on in our lives right now.  As we've discussed the effects of our "experiment" Kevin and I both identified one of the biggest blessings as the huge increase in the Spirit in our home, there is a peaceful and happy feeling that is so much stronger.  I feel like media can be a taboo subject for many but, I would recommend an experiment like ours to anyone and everyone.  I hope that none of what I've shared sounds preachy, I feel my weaknesses and what I lack keenly but I Have seen ways the Lord has helped me feel different, better and more liberated from feelings that aren't from the Spirit.

I'm so grateful for the Lord's plan, for the Atonement that blessedly allows me daily opportunities to fix the many mistakes I make every day.  We focused on 2 Nephi 31:20 in Sunday School yesterday and I've been thinking about it ever since. I am so grateful that we don't have to rely in "the arm of flesh" for the good things we want to have happen in our lives, or to put our trust in.  I'm so grateful that relying in the Lord offers So much more than relying on men ever could;

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of  hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

So in my imperfect way...I'm waiting for baby McGuire.

 Here are a few more pictures.

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