Miracles.

Honestly, I don't even really know how to begin writing about this.  Life really just works out according to God's plan for us, and sometimes those plans really take us by surprise.  Over and over again I feel like He teaches me that He is in charge, He is capable of miracles and most of all that He wants to bless us in His way and time, which also is what's best for us.  But so unpredictable. 
One Friday morning at the end of September, before heading to one of our final adoption interviews actually, at the insistence of Kevin I took a pregnancy test.  (I honestly didn't think I'd ever take one of those again.) I'd been feeling incredibly sick for about two weeks by then and nothing really explained it, Kevin said we were going to have to go to the doctor and they were going to make me take a test anyway so I may as well do it and get it over with.  I really didn't want to, "why would I be pregnant?" I asked him over and over.  We were so close to being approved for adoption and honestly, I'd moved on past thinking about pregnancy as an option (at least for a while) and I was doing really well.  I was so shocked when the test read positive; I was literally shaking, just shocked, not happy, just shocked.  We got a doctor confirmation the next week that I was indeed pregnant and about 7 weeks along. 

Today we just found out that we're expecting a boy in May and I still have a hard time believing it.  I don't doubt God's ability to bless us with pregnancy but it was so unexpected.  I've been through such a wave of emotions; scared, anxious, guilty, nervous, excited, and fearful to name a few.  I just wasn't expecting to have a baby naturally possibly ever.  And my heart aches for those people I know still waiting, and I feel somehow like I can't be part of their support system anymore and vice versa. I also built a protective wall around my heart about having babies and I've dealt with a lot of real fear with accepting and being excited that we're having a baby because of it. 

I am excited, in a "it's hard to believe this is actually happening to me but I still want to be a mom more than anything" way.  I can't wait to be a mom, May could not come any slower than it already is.

One day I was reading in Alma during my lunch break at work, about a week before finding out I was pregnant and I read Alma 33:20;
"...Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them."

 and I remember distinctly feeling, "Michelle, you need to believe that God could bless you with a baby through your own pregnancy".   I realized that I needed to make sure that my protective barriers didn't block the way for my belief and testimony in God's ability to bless us with miracles, bless me with them.  I realized too that it's a lot easier for me to accept that God allows hard things to happen to us to shape us than that He wants to bless us.  He absolutely wants both, it's easier for us (or at least me) to see and accept the "shaping" situations. The right thing isn't always going to be the "bad" thing. 

I realized how unfairly I've sometimes "judged" pregnant women too, I never stopped feeling sick around the clock from mid-September throughout the following months and dealing with that as a full-time student, part-time employee almost did me in, or at least it felt like it would.  I realized that feeling sick all the time is hard for anyone to bear, even while feeling the tremendous miracle it is to be pregnant.  It completely is a miracle to bear a child.

I have also felt incapable of expressing my gratitude, I am grateful for this unexpected experience in a way that I haven't been able to find a way to express in words but I know that God is in charge and His Love is real and personal. Kevin and I never could have known that the same way we do now without what we've learned with infertility.  God's greatest miracle and gift to us however really is His Son.  In the times of trial and rejoicing I have felt such a need for my Savior's help in pulling out of either the despair or anxiety or keeping proper perspective.

I (we) am so grateful for all of you who have helped me feel lifted and not alone.  So many of you have been God's literal angels sent to help me, I have felt such a tangible help from the love and support and comradery.  So, thank you and I hope this season has been and will continue to be a time filled with the spirit of Christ's love for you as well.

Tour of Utah

The winner crossing the finish line.

Kevin and I went to see the cyclists finish the end of the Provo leg of the Tour of Utah in August.  Kevin was "little kid on Christmas morning" excited about it.  It really was so exciting to see the cyclists finish. Makes you want to be fast....

 Lots and lots of cyclists. The race was a little over 100 miles and these guys were coming in at over 40 mph.  Goodnight!

Denver, CO

The weekend after Labor Day Kevin, my sister Annie and I flew out to Denver to visit Scott for his birthday and to go see Les Miserables in Denver.  It was amazing; a few weeks into the craziness of school it was really nice to get away and just enjoy family and relax a bit.  Something I haven't been able to do since the semester started.  It was so fun to spend time with Scott, Jenna, Olivia and Luke.  Seeing Les Mis again was So good.  It was the 25th Anniversary blocking and staging, so it was fun to see all the changes they made.   It's the first time I've felt really moved by a musical in a long time.  And it was So refreshing.  What a powerful story.  Ah, I loved it.  The cast was phenomenal overall, my personal favorites being those playing the parts of ValJean and Marius. "I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob." (VeggieTales)

Kev and me.

Annie before the show.

           Before the show we had the best pizza we've ever had at Marco's Pizzeria in Denver.

Scott and Jenna at Marco's.

Michelle, Kevin and Annie at Marco's.

The fountain at the park.

Scott and Jenna's family came to stay with us for a day after our trip to Island Park.  We took their kids to this awesome park in town.  So fun. 

Our niece Olivia loved the water fountain.

Luke and his Dad, Scott playing in the fountain.

Tanner Cabin Lalapalooza (with Michelle's fam)

This is the first year ever that my immediate family went on a vacation somewhere, just us, it's crazy that we're old/big enough to do something like that.  We went up to my mom's family's cabin in Island Park, Idaho.  Goodnight, we had such a great time.  It was so fun to be all together.

Kevin and I in West Yellowstone.

Four of the six Tanner siblings. (waiting for the others to come from Jackson.)

Sporting aunt Annie's shades.

peace!

Momma

My niece is ADORABLE, no?
This is Olivia, my oldest brother's daughter.  She is the oldest grandchild in the family and everyone Loves her. She has such a fun personality.

 Mom and Dad.  Love them! Love Dad's sweet Hawaiian shirt too....

More of David being...fun. Nice shades.

 Kevin and "the boys" (my youngest two brothers) are always trying to find adventurous things to do like skim-boarding  on a boogie-board at the lake.

Olivia likes to look through binoculars this way.

Kevin during the tube standing contest.

We had a mini water Olympics at the lake one afternoon. (Kevin's idea of course) It included; tube standing, diving, long jump, and swimming contests.  It was a riot. 

Dad cheating on the tube STANDING contest.

My brother Alan just couldn't get that knee to stop popping.

 These are some shots I got during the dive competition. Alexis (our sister-in-law) blew everyone else out of the water (ha....water.) with her form.  I didn't participate seeing as I don't know how to dive...Wish I did.  We're going to make sure all of our kids take enough swim lessons to be very confident in the water.

Dad...is just funny.

Kevin's first dive.

My brother Scott, I think?

ALEXIS!

            



Kevin got a bit cold.

 Trying to decide who had the best dive...

 We spent the majority of most afternoons down at the lake.  Livvy had her first canoe ride with Grandpa and her Dad, Scott.   

My mom loves to float out on the lake, and really doesn't appreciate it when her kids decide to splash her. 

out on the lake

Michelle, Jenna, Annie, Mom, Scott. (left to right)

Jenna, Michelle, Scott, Matthew, Alan, Mom. (left to right)

 Jenna, Michelle and Annie.

The whole family: Kevin and I are in the middle of the back row.

Alan obviously said something funny.  (He's the one on the far right that we're all looking at.)

 Kevin and myself. We found the most beautiful shed and decided to take some pictures by it. 

Fake mustache. The only kind I'll let Kevin have.

 Down on the dock.

Family picture in our matching t-shirts.  (Kevin's the one moving in the back.)

Meandering through Northern California

Standing under Foresthill Bridge

 We're trying to make up for all our time apart in one spurt of activities. We left straight from Kevin's graduation and drove to California to spend a week with Kevin's parents and our good friends Drew and Tiffany came too. The week literally flew by, we did So many fun things. Love it.

On our way to the water hole on the American River

Kevin diving off the rock. (obviously)

I get nervous about jumping off tall things...

Jumping AGAIN with Kevin

Kevin and Drew ready to look for the huge tadpole Kevin says he saw...

This little 22 rifle is the FUNNEST gun ever to shoot, I don't do kick back so this was PERFECT. I'm not a bad shot with it either...just saying.

Dad McGuire trying out the jet ski, shoes and socks and all.

 An awesome family in Kevin's parents' ward offered to let us use their jet skis for a day.  It was AMAZING, the day was perfect; there was almost no one on the lake, the water was about 80 degrees and the sun was shining.  Kevin thought it was the funnest thing to tip us though.  Ha, it actually was really refreshing.

 There is quite an intense breeze when you're flying across the lake and it sure did wonders for Kevin's hair, no?  He's thinking about changing his hairstyle.

In front of a delicious bakery in Carmel, they had awesome caramel apple cider.  Good thing too, it was chilly.

We hope to be just like them when we grow up, cute and content.

 We made our way around Carmel, Monterey and Santa Cruz for a few days with Kevin's parents,  it was so beautiful. I couldn't get over how cold it was for a California coast though.  Just crazy.  
Carmel highlights: 
-window shopping
-caramel apple cider
-the water dishes outside all the shops for dogs
-seafood!!!
Monterey highlights:
-Cannery Row
-seal sighting (by yours

Cannery Row in Monterey

 truly)
-Candy store
-JELLY FISH!
Santa Cruz highlights:
- the silver store lady who informed me I had a lucky amber shield ring on
-eating calamari on the pier with Kevin
-the colorful and fun scene at the Santa Cruz boardwalk
-Pink Godzilla Sushi T-Shirts

A candy store. I love candy stores.

Me and a jelly fish, can you see it?

Jelly Fish

 So, for whatever reason there were TONS of jelly fish off of a pier in Monterey and it was AWESOME. I think jelly fish are so sweet. Ridiculously scary to encounter but sweet. They just look so soft and puffy.  Completely delightful.

Lunch on the pier in Santa Cruz.

 Overall we just had a great time being with each other again finally and spending some time in sunny California with family and friends, it was a great break from normal life.

Boardwalk at Santa Cruz.