usually.

The other day, I made a conscious decision to just "let things be". I didn't get the kids dressed, didn't comb their hair, and just let them play after breakfast. As they played I decided to grab my camera and capture some "real moments" that I'd normally shy away from, since no one was dressed, everyone's hair was crazy and things were just generally out of order. 

Since that day I've thought a lot about letting go; when I should, what I should and how I should go about figuring it all out.

It's hard for me sometimes to know what to let go, what to push for, what to do with my spare minutes that I collect in pretty small quantities these days.  Trying to find a life balance for myself and my kids is tricky, not the task of one decision-making day and then it's forever clear after that.

Instead I find myself, daily, sometimes hourly, wondering how I should use time, let my kids use their time and what we should make important.
There are some things that will always make the important list for me; prayers, scripture study, family home evening, not that knowing they are important to us makes them magically easy to make happen, in fact they are some of the harder things to do with the kids at this stage of life. (I appreciate my parents' consistency so much now)  But at least I don't have to wonder if I want to have a place for them in our days, it's all the other things that prove more difficult to decide about for me.

As I struggle to find a sure solution for how to manage I've found that we all (my family and I) seem to do best with a bit of a balance I realized I live a life of usually.

Usually I get my kids dressed.
Usually we don't do screen time during the week.
Usually meals are consumed around the table together.
Usually we we limit ourselves to one package of fruit snacks a day.
Usually I try to have some learning happen for our children in our home.
Usually I spend most of the day breaking up fights and kissing ouchies.
Usually the rest of my day revolves around feeding, cleaning up after children, with countless diaper changes thrown in the mix.
Usually a day includes at least one batch of laundry.
Usually I clean up about a million times and tell myself to wait to clean about a million more times.
Usually I tell myself I am definitely going to bed earlier tonight when I roll out of bed to exercise and study in the morning before my full-blown mothering duties start calling (quite literally).
Usually I wish I were a little better at food intake choices and quantities for myself and my kids.
Usually I wish I'd been able to be a little (or a lot) more patient with my kids, my spouse and myself.
Usually I wish I felt stronger and more capable.
Usually I wake up wanting to be better than the day before.
Usually I end up apologizing a lot, sometimes the occasion warrants it, often it doesn't.
Usually I say about a thousand prayers for help and strength during a normal day.
Usually I try not to compare myself to everyone else.
Usually I worry that I'm not doing enough or the right things in my church calling.
Usually I wonder at least once a day, if I'm doing something wrong and that's why "fill in the blank" is happening.
Usually I worry a bit too much what others think of me and it keeps me being more guarded than I'd like to be.
Usually I stress too much about messes.
Usually I try to stop stressing so much about messes.
Usually I wish that children were born potty trained.
Usually I love the hilarious things my kids say throughout a day.
Usually I make some time to be with the kids "unplugged" from distractions and to-do's.
Usually I worry about my kids making good choices when they are older.
Usually I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and it will all work out.
Usually I still have to tell myself that it will all work out and that I'm not just defined by my actions in my moments of weakness.
Usually I can see answers and guidance in retrospect and not nearly as often in the moment.
Usually I feel so grateful to be a mother, and know it is the best calling and job in the world.
Usually.

I think sometimes, as women especially, we have a hard time letting it be, when we are doing our best, we rarely let ourselves feel God's approval and love.  Obviously we are all imperfect, mistake-making people, but I know that I at least struggle to keep that acknowledgement of weakness within the healthy realm that inspires and drives me in a positive way to keep working on it with hope that I can change.
Instead I often find myself working on my "endless list of weaknesses" and feel like they will always be this personal load I'm trying to get rid of that is never quite gone. I don't think that is what God wants us to feel about ourselves and the weaknesses and trials we all deal with. 

Conversely, I think we live in a time when many, appear at least, to be too easy on themselves, having very loose moral codes and selfishness seems to primarily drive their lives and priorities.  I know that isn't what brings real happiness either.
"...New York Times columnist David Brooks said: 

“People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice--commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

(referenced here)

Recently I read a talk (you can find it here) given by a leader in our church Elder D. Todd Christofferson, he said;

"...Of all your associations, it is your relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who is the source of your moral power, that you must always put first in your life."

"Remember that Jesus's power came through His single-minded devotion to the will of the Father.  He never varied from that which pleased His Father. Strive to be that kind of disciple of the Father and the Son, and your influence will never fade."

Lately life has felt like such a battle, a battle of balance with myself, my kids, my responsibilities, my wants, my hopes and dreams even.
I may never stop wishing it were a little more clear how I could best spend my time each day but I'm sure I'll be happier as I keep learning to let the small stuff go sometimes and just let things be.  And learn to embrace life's inevitable flow too. It's okay if my house isn't always perfectly tidy, my kids aren't always dressed, that hard parenting moments happen, it's okay.
It seems like searching for a good life balance of letting go and holding on will be something I'll always need to evaluate and reevaluate because our needs will always be changing.  And maybe "usually" isn't too bad.
As much as I sometimes wish for a life of leisure, or at least a day of it, the fact that people need me, that I have a purpose, and a commitment to try to serve God, that is what keeps my life focused on things that really matter. And as long as I try to have God be first, I can be strong enough to make it, know when to say "yes" when to say "no", when to let go and when to push through and make things happen.
I'm still waiting to grow out of feeling vulnerable but I'm trying to embrace who I am and who I'm trying to be. "Life is good, be happy, let it go." (my mom had this up in our house growing up, I don't know who to attribute it to though....) 
I included some of the pictures I took that morning. And now I'm so glad I captured this "normal" moment. 

fireplace before and after...

Finally got these pictures together from our latest DIY project.  We are so happy with how it turned out, the new tile brings a brightness to the room and we love the timeless, classic feel of the tile without it becoming traditional feeling (which is not our style-type generally). 

We knew we wanted white or a bold solid color, but in the end felt like the white would help keep that bright, clean feeling that is really important to me especially and allow our artwork and decor to bring the bolder color statements. Eventually we'd like to make a custom cabinet to fit in the odd shaped nook next to the fireplace but for now the toy baskets do a great job giving things a place. (which I'm a bit neurotic about...)

I try to have good "before" pictures as much as I can, to give a real and realistic comparison.  

The stonework we had before definitely wasn't AWFUL but it was darker, dirtier feeling and more rustic than is our preference.  (and the boys loved to try and climb up it)

So when we realized we had saved enough for a smaller DIY project (it is maybe our favorite shared hobby) we knew this was what we wanted to do. We also pulled all the gross, black logs from our fireplace, cleaned it up (the boys always got soot everywhere and it turns out it's super hard to get out) and put in LED candles instead.

*You can check out past DIY projects: main floor, master bath, shared boys room, second bath and nursery accents.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Drew is TWO. //stars and stripes "birday"

I asked Drew what kind of birthday he wanted and he said "star" so I decided to take advantage of the holiday just a couple days after his birthday and have a patriotic birthday for our Drew boy.  Kevin was actually out of town for work until late the evening of Drew's birthday and I had been gone until the day before Kevin left at our church congregation's camp for girls 12-18, so we had a really, really low-key birthday but I did make him cupcakes and decorated the house for him with things I could make myself.  He loved it all.  He is still telling everyone who engages him in conversation (at the store, church, etc...), "it my birday, I have cupcakes." So evidently it was a hit regardless.

The cupcakes were a wild ride, I used this recipe for the most delicious homemade vanilla cake I've ever had (used the same recipe for Lee's choo choo train cake) and just divided it into 3 containers and made the right colors, alternated colors as I spooned the batter into cupcake liners and baked them, but the first batch I did way too much so they overflowed and got ruined on the way out of the  pan....luckily it makes a TON.

I decided I'd do multiple colors for the frosting (I used this amazing buttercream recipe which is also the same one I used for Lee's cake) and the thing I had rigged up for frosting malfunctioned after about 3 cupcakes but I'd already come too far so it was real touch and go to get everything frosted semi-presentably. (and of course, each situation was during nap time which made the pressure even more intense...goodness you'd think I'd learn)
*it should be noted that I haven't done a ton of cooking or baking until a couple years ago so everything should be kept simple, but the artsy fartsy side of me takes over when something sounds artistic and I forget I do much better with a paintbrush. Oh well, I'll get the hang of it someday if I keep trying, right? And the birthday boy couldn't have been more thrilled.

We are so grateful to have our little Drew in our family, he is feisty and fun, loving and determined. Never can believe quite how quickly they grow up

fireplace facelift// process.

We have wanted to redo our fireplace for at least a year. But after Drew trying to climb up it one day about a month ago coincided with us doing a Houzz perusal (that site is amazing and addicting...) we got up early the next morning (yeah, 5 am on a Saturday, we love our DIY projects: you can check out some past projects here, here, here, here and here) and started tearing the old stuff off as soon as we'd made sure that the tile we wanted to use was in stock in our area.

The boys loved being more involved in the process this time around.  They loved that Papa was "fixing the fireplace" and always wanted to know how they could help.

Kevin had to install new hardy board before he starting putting the new tile up.

Having the tile come in 12 in squares made the tiling go so much more quickly.  All the spots that required specially cut pieces proved to be very time consuming so we were super glad we didn't have to place every single tile.

Here it is at the point that all that needed to be added were the individually cut pieces around the fireplace opening and along the wall.

At this point the tiling and grouting was done (finally, I'll be okay to not need to grout anything else for a long while) and all that was left was paint touch up and new baseboards (where the stones have previously been).
I'll do straight up before and after shots in the next post.  I didn't want to overload one post with all this and the before and after pictures.
The process was not excessively hard but it did take a bit of planning, especially since the tile was too hands on to try and do while the kids were awake.