we love our papa.

>our boys sure love their Papa.
>i'm sure glad he cares so much about being a dad. he is a rockstar.
>we're sure happy we get to keep him around, forever.

>>happy father's day: 2014.

fresh strawberry pie: all in the family.

I don't know about y'all but we are trying to take full advantage of strawberry season at our house, Kevin and I love them and both of our boys are crazy about them too. They're too good not to be though, right?

A few weeks ago a took my first stab at making a favorite family recipe for fresh strawberry pie with the strawberries I had leftover from making strawberry jam.  Man, I wish strawberries were in season all year round.

You wouldn't know it, judging just by me, but I come from two families that are incredibly talented in the kitchen.  This particular recipe is found in one of my Dad's families' cookbooks, Tanner Tasties II. When I was a teenager my aunt took on the project of compiling a second edition of favorite family recipes from my Grandma Tanner and mostly my 13 aunts, though a few of my older cousins also contributed.  The Tanner family has a deep love for pies, that I didn't know I shared until I was looking up this recipe and Kevin starting making fun of me for saying EVERY pie recipe I came across looked good.

our beloved cookbook.

This recipe makes two full pies and while the original recipe calls for regular pie crusts, I did one regular and one oatmeal pie crust aka Kevin's favorite pie crust of all time. Since everyone tends to have a family or favorite traditional pie crust recipe (and since I used a frozen one...) I'll just share the recipe for the oatmeal crust here.

Fresh Strawberry Pie:  Athelia Sears Tanner, grandma
(can substitute fresh peaches for strawberries)

Ingredients:
2 baked pie shells (in my case only one)
3/4 c. sugar
2 T. cornstarch
1 1/2 c. water
1 small package strawberry jello or Danish Dessert (would use peach jello for peach pie)
2+ pounds fresh strawberries, whole or sliced (substitute fresh peaches for peach pie)
3 oz cream cheese (I substituted Neufchatel cheese here)
1/2 c. powdered sugar
3/4 t. vanilla
1/2 container Cool Whip or 1/2 c. whipping cream (I used whipping cream)

Mix and cook sugar, cornstarch and water until gently boiling.
Remove from heat and add jello or Danish dessert.
Stir until completely dissolved, LET COOL.
Pour over berries (or peaches).
Combine cream cheese, powdered sugar, vanilla and whipped cream (or Cool Whip) and mix until fluffy.
Place cream mixture in the bottom of the pie shells.
Pile glazed fruit high on the top. (This is where having more than 2 pounds of fruit comes in useful, especially if you slice your strawberries like I did. The strawberry filling barely came to the top of the crusts for me rather than piling up above it like it is technically supposed to.)
Chill and serve with or without whipped cream.


Easy Oatmeal Pie Crust: Susan Winder Tanner, aunt

Ingredients:
1 c. quick oats
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/3 c. melted margarine
1/2 c. chopped nuts* (I used pecans)
*Can leave nuts out, add 1/2 c. more oats if you do.

Mix all ingredients together and press into a pie pan or square cake pan. Chill to firm.

These pies were completely delicious, Kevin ate more than I will say in one sitting for breakfast one morning.....so take my advice, go make some pie.

anniversary celebrations: then and now.

We *celebrated* our wedding anniversary the end of May.

Actually the celebration part is a pretty big deal for us. This is the first year that a move or a new baby hasn't made it impossible to celebrate.  So, for the first time since we "tied the knot", we did in fact celebrate, with food of course.
Kevin's parents were in town that weekend and watched the boys so we were able to go for a kid-free dinner.  It was delicious, we have both become lovers of food and we LOVE places that use fresh  ingredients.  This particular wood grill burger place is known for its unique burgers and shakes. Kevin got an amazing dulce de leche+citrus shake and I got a s'more+oreo shake. (course, my favorite shake is their EVOO+granola shake. (evoo=extra virgin olive oil) Sounds a bit weird but it's delicious.  The truffle+parmesan fries were another favorite.  Anyway...enough about the food. :) I was reminded how good it is just to be together, alone, so we can have a real conversation.

Sometimes, in the day to day grind, I can kind of forget that I'm married to the best friend I've ever had, that our conversations about everything and nothing are my favorite and that we've become so much happier since we met and married.  We've both changed and assimilated in a lot of ways since we got married and I'm so glad for it.  Kevin has introduced me to more things than I can count and vice versa, we are different now in the best ways.

I love thinking about how special our wedding day was, we look so little,  but I love the "us" we are so much more now, if that even makes sense. I could be real mushy and sentimental but I'll keep that jazz to myself. I'll just say that I am so, so grateful that I got Kevin to be my partner in crime. He always says we're going to go out together in a blaze of glory, I really hope it's not that dramatic but I wouldn't say no to heading into the next life together. (after lots of years of adventures here, just to be clear) So, here's to actual anniversary celebrations for lots and lots of years to come.

beach babes.

Lee is always wanting to do selfies when I want to just take a pic of him, sometimes I give in. :)

Papa even got this sweet little man to nap.

After living here for over a year we finally made the *very short* trek down to the coast.  We spent a couple days down in Galveston with Kevin's parents and my brother and sis-in-law's fam. Our beach babes quite enjoyed themselves.

Even though these beaches don't compare to the Southern California beaches I grew up spending time at with my cousins or the Hawaii beaches I frequented daily when I went to school there, the sand was soft and the water was warm, even if it was filled with seaweed. :)  Luckily the boys couldn't have cared less about all that other jazz.

Other than forgetting to properly sunscreen myself and getting really really fried, we had a great little trip.

papa's a sprinter. tri-style.

Back in the beginning of May Kevin participated in a sprint triathlon that they host annually in our city.  He hasn't done a triathlon since back in our Rexburg, Idaho days and that one was an Olympic length so he was excited to train for a faster paced race.
Our whole family loaded up and got there just after 6 am (early, early) and with the boys, clad in pj's in the double stroller and armed with lots of breakfast snacks I found a place to watch the first leg, the swimming portion of the race.

It was an insanely beautiful day (I love Texas springs) and the sun was shining...so brightly that you couldn't see who was coming out of the water. I realized that Kevin had gotten out just as the back of his head was disappearing.

I must admit that trying to keep two active boys happy while they are buckled in a non-moving stroller is tricky business and even all the food I brought got old pretty quickly. Luckily we had to move around quite a bit to find a place to see Papa start and finish the run. (we'd already missed his transition to the bike)

I did finally find a way to get to the finish line that was wide enough for a double wide and made it just in time to see Papa start the run portion of the race. Then we watched all the professional athletes finish the race as we waited. The boys were kind of out of control at this point but man were they excited to see their Papa cross the finish line!

starting the run portion.

just after crossing the finish line.

Once he was with us again they were, of course, completely happy. (But they are both Papa's boys and two on two goes much more smoothly too)

Kevin did really well, built for speed that one.  He finished within his goal time and some of his paces were much better than he'd anticipated so it was a great success.  I'm hoping that we'll both be doing it next year, until then I've really got to brush up on some swim strokes and cycling. :)

our lee boy turned two.

We celebrated our Lee boy's birthday the end of April. Officially have a two year old be-bopping' around, and I love it, it is so much more fun than I anticipated.

On the day of Lee's birthday, we went out to a creek sort of near our house and played in the perfect temperature water and in the soft sand.  Lee and Drew both loved it, and I tried to imagine the water wasn't such a weird color.  I'm still not used to rivers and streams down South. 

We had friends over for a BBQ that weekend to celebrate and have cake.  Lee loved the balloons the most.  I loved the chocolate cake with white chocolate cream cheese frosting the most. :)

Happy birthday to our LEE BOY!!!! We are ca-razy about you.

"that's not who you are."

Recent events and continuing struggles for some people dear to me have made me think back to those three years (see post) I waited and wondered if I'd ever have children.
Those were not the happiest times in my life, in fact they were some of the darkest,  I'm so in awe of the people I love who are handling similar heartbreak with vibrant and strong faith in God's timing and will.  But I recognize now that I tried the best I knew how to handle my circumstance at the time and I think most people do. We are innately much stronger than we think and feel we are, if we could just remember and believe it all the time.

Now a little over two years later, blessed with two miracle boys, I still can't believe they are ours sometimes.

I also can't believe the struggle that is now ours as parents. These last few months I have felt stretched so far beyond my capacity to handle, I've thought on numerous occasions that I'd physically or mentally give out, literally. With a bad sleeping phase of Drew's that started about 3 months ago I realized that the less sleep I got, the worse my thoughts seemed to become. I started having very negative thoughts about myself and terrible moments of anxiety again. I was fighting thoughts of worthlessness in my role as a mother, and a huge lack of capacity. I felt like I couldn't be a mom, I was failing that terribly at it.  I worried for my children, how they'd be affected by a mom that couldn't cut it.  I was filled with negative and frantic energy and (needless to say) deep guilt. I, who had waited desperately to become a mom, was awful at it and frankly, not enjoying it much. I felt like a hypocrite and a failure.  These thoughts, of course, pushed out any calm, faith and love I felt.

One day, I couldn't get Drew to go down for a nap (this was still back when he was just starting into the no-sleep zone) in the middle of an anxiety attack I called my mom, desperate for some advice or wisdom. I shared how I felt, mostly about myself, and she shared a simple phrase that was the turning point for me to start coming back to a realistic, healthy and kind view of myself.
She said at one time, when she was really struggling with anxiety herself, she was counseled to remember that thoughts and feelings that bring negative energy are not from our loving and concerned Heavenly Father, they come only from Satan. She was then counseled to remember, "that's not who you are". She said she started to say that phrase aloud or in her mind to herself when she could feel her thoughts moving in the wrong direction, "that's not who you are" and getting herself  back in a safe mindset. I was a bit skeptical but the truths she'd shared rang true, deep down, and I was willing to try it.
"That's not who you are," I said in my mind the next time I found I was on the edge again, rocking Drew when he wouldn't nap again. And like a light turning on in a dark room, I could feel the truth of it push the other thoughts away, and the validity of the negative thoughts that had started to pour in was gone.
I believe there is great power, for those of us who struggle with anxious and depressed thoughts, in finding and clinging to powerful statements of truth in times of need and reminder.
This is where you'd expect me to say that, since I'd learned how to battle the anxiety (again), the trial went away.  Well, Drew took his first nap in several months since then....yesterday, and I had to go and be with him three times. I'm still getting less hours of sleep than what you can count on one hand. And yet to say this is a trial, makes me feel guilty and lame all over again, here I have people I know, and loads of people I don't, experiencing real heartbreak and tragedy, sickness and sadness.  I know I'm just a little sleep deprived but comparisons aren't helpful to anyone who is already feeling bad about feeling burdened by their particular circumstance I suppose.  I have no idea what lies ahead on my journey through life, but I do know that whatever trial or struggle, the truth is always the same. Our Savior, because he selflessly atoned for me (us), we are never alone, we are never hopeless, we are always capable, because of Him, if we'll accept His help. It sometimes really feels like we're going it alone, doesn't it? But I believe and God has reminded me over and over again that we can always see His hand and Christ's help in our day-to-day if we prayerfully seek it.  I'm still learning how to do that consistently and well.   I always feel a bit vulnerable sharing these experiences publicly but I do it because I hope that if you, like me, find yourself needing to be reminded of the truth of who you are and what you are worth, remember that those other things you may be tempted to think, "that's not who you are."

two little boys.

*These pictures were all taken Easter morning, I decided to do a post with them rather than just a bunch of pictures, bet you can't guess which of our children is the late sleeper...

The boys are in transitional stages right now, it seems to me, and really changing a lot, kind of suddenly, and constantly taking me by surprise at who they are and what little people they are becoming.

I've felt for so long that I have two little babies and it starts to feel like I'm always going to have two little babies; nearly completely dependent and very demanding with ever changing schedules, meal feeding and diaper changing being what make up my entire day. It's exhausting and mind-numbing a lot of the time and somewhat confining feeling sometimes too. It's such an event to get all three of us ready and out the door for something that I find whole weeks go by when we haven't seen the outside of our door. And getting a shower in is still a feat to be applauded most days.
Of course this stage has moments that are just completely delightful as well with so much development going on, seeing a baby learn to smile, laugh, eat, react, interact, walk, crawl and talk. Each new change seems to offer a bit better idea of the person waiting to come bursting out of those little bodies. And I pray to be able to focus on the good and feel my love for them so those good moments are what stick with me the most.

Sometime in the last few months, so gradually that I didn't even realize it, my two babies became little boys and suddenly life is becoming different in a lot of ways.

I see the biggest changes in our Lee boy, now nearly 26 months, suddenly a little man.
He can't say enough, or take enough information in.
One day he started saying "yes" when I asked him if he wanted something.
He understands directions, often following them.
He can generally feed himself and is a champ when it comes to bedtime and nap time.
He has moments when he completely surprises me actually, like today, when I said he needed to clean up his toys before his nap. I was cleaning up lunch when I'd finished, I found that he actually had cleaned up all his toys. Writing this I hear how simple and inconsequential it sounds and yet for me, I thought the day when my children had the processing capability to help would never come.
Lee can bring me things when I ask, like a diaper for brother.
He remembers songs and promises.
He loves to count all the stairs.
He has a huge heart and can't tell us he loves us enough times in the day.
He is still 100% a Papa's boy. He always wants to know where his Papa is and when he's finally coming home.  He still drops everything and exclaims "Papa!" and goes running as soon as the garage door goes up each evening.
He loves routines and order.
He is a clean freak.
He LOVES sleep, he gets up late in the morning and takes long naps. He also requires some time alone playing in his room after he wakes up. If I go in too soon, he'll tell me, "no Momma" "close it, the door".
He is overcoming a lot of his fears and cautiousness.
He isn't great at giving his brother space and loving without pushing him over is still a trick for him.  He loves flavored beverages just like his Papa.
He loves food, and loves it best when he gets to sit in between Momma and Papa and mooch their food at mealtime.
He tells me "good night-night" before I can even ask him how he slept.
He "loves" everything to show his excitement, "I love water" "I love swimming" "I love cool(pool)".   He has a sensitive heart and just sobs when he realizes he's hurt brother.

I'm not sure exactly when our Drewsy stopped being a baby, he's now weeks away from his 1st birthday.
He is a feisty one, whew.
He has really strong feelings about things and how they should happen.
He will not let you feed him.
He has a killer tantrum worked out already.
In spite of his strong will, his general temperament is quite jovial. When he's playing happily he constantly chuckles to himself and chatters.
He makes "Lee noises", so close to how Lee sounds that without looking you can't tell who it is.
He is NOT a picky eater. He has liked everything I've offered except peas, cooked carrots and raw peppers. Even though he doesn't have teeth he somehow destroys solid foods with his little gums.  He loves finger foods, quite unlike his brother who didn't like to get his hands dirty, Drew has no qualms with the mess.
He is a cuddle fanatic. He most prefers falling asleep against Papa's or Momma's chest with his finger in our mouth. He gets a little upset if you don't let him put his finger in your mouth when he's sleepy.
He hated pacifiers until about 6 months.  He likes to sleep with one now.
He once was an amazing sleeper. We're working on getting him to sleep in his own space (not our bed) at night and sleep at all during the day.
He loves his brother so much. No one can get him to laugh as hard as brother Lee.
He loves giving kisses.
He is finally (in the last few days) crawling in a forward motion.
He hates clothes and diaper changes.
Drewsy is also a Papa's boy. He'll cry if he doesn't get some love from Papa immediately after he walks in the door. But he still likes Momma to calm him down if he gets hurt.
He is a people person, he thrives on people being around him and doesn't often like to play in a room alone. The opposite of his brother.

I love these little boys of mine.
They sure keep me busy, sometimes frantic, exhausted, laughing, smiling, and stretched.