usually.

The other day, I made a conscious decision to just "let things be". I didn't get the kids dressed, didn't comb their hair, and just let them play after breakfast. As they played I decided to grab my camera and capture some "real moments" that I'd normally shy away from, since no one was dressed, everyone's hair was crazy and things were just generally out of order. 

Since that day I've thought a lot about letting go; when I should, what I should and how I should go about figuring it all out.

It's hard for me sometimes to know what to let go, what to push for, what to do with my spare minutes that I collect in pretty small quantities these days.  Trying to find a life balance for myself and my kids is tricky, not the task of one decision-making day and then it's forever clear after that.

Instead I find myself, daily, sometimes hourly, wondering how I should use time, let my kids use their time and what we should make important.
There are some things that will always make the important list for me; prayers, scripture study, family home evening, not that knowing they are important to us makes them magically easy to make happen, in fact they are some of the harder things to do with the kids at this stage of life. (I appreciate my parents' consistency so much now)  But at least I don't have to wonder if I want to have a place for them in our days, it's all the other things that prove more difficult to decide about for me.

As I struggle to find a sure solution for how to manage I've found that we all (my family and I) seem to do best with a bit of a balance I realized I live a life of usually.

Usually I get my kids dressed.
Usually we don't do screen time during the week.
Usually meals are consumed around the table together.
Usually we we limit ourselves to one package of fruit snacks a day.
Usually I try to have some learning happen for our children in our home.
Usually I spend most of the day breaking up fights and kissing ouchies.
Usually the rest of my day revolves around feeding, cleaning up after children, with countless diaper changes thrown in the mix.
Usually a day includes at least one batch of laundry.
Usually I clean up about a million times and tell myself to wait to clean about a million more times.
Usually I tell myself I am definitely going to bed earlier tonight when I roll out of bed to exercise and study in the morning before my full-blown mothering duties start calling (quite literally).
Usually I wish I were a little better at food intake choices and quantities for myself and my kids.
Usually I wish I'd been able to be a little (or a lot) more patient with my kids, my spouse and myself.
Usually I wish I felt stronger and more capable.
Usually I wake up wanting to be better than the day before.
Usually I end up apologizing a lot, sometimes the occasion warrants it, often it doesn't.
Usually I say about a thousand prayers for help and strength during a normal day.
Usually I try not to compare myself to everyone else.
Usually I worry that I'm not doing enough or the right things in my church calling.
Usually I wonder at least once a day, if I'm doing something wrong and that's why "fill in the blank" is happening.
Usually I worry a bit too much what others think of me and it keeps me being more guarded than I'd like to be.
Usually I stress too much about messes.
Usually I try to stop stressing so much about messes.
Usually I wish that children were born potty trained.
Usually I love the hilarious things my kids say throughout a day.
Usually I make some time to be with the kids "unplugged" from distractions and to-do's.
Usually I worry about my kids making good choices when they are older.
Usually I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and it will all work out.
Usually I still have to tell myself that it will all work out and that I'm not just defined by my actions in my moments of weakness.
Usually I can see answers and guidance in retrospect and not nearly as often in the moment.
Usually I feel so grateful to be a mother, and know it is the best calling and job in the world.
Usually.

I think sometimes, as women especially, we have a hard time letting it be, when we are doing our best, we rarely let ourselves feel God's approval and love.  Obviously we are all imperfect, mistake-making people, but I know that I at least struggle to keep that acknowledgement of weakness within the healthy realm that inspires and drives me in a positive way to keep working on it with hope that I can change.
Instead I often find myself working on my "endless list of weaknesses" and feel like they will always be this personal load I'm trying to get rid of that is never quite gone. I don't think that is what God wants us to feel about ourselves and the weaknesses and trials we all deal with. 

Conversely, I think we live in a time when many, appear at least, to be too easy on themselves, having very loose moral codes and selfishness seems to primarily drive their lives and priorities.  I know that isn't what brings real happiness either.
"...New York Times columnist David Brooks said: 

“People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice--commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

(referenced here)

Recently I read a talk (you can find it here) given by a leader in our church Elder D. Todd Christofferson, he said;

"...Of all your associations, it is your relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who is the source of your moral power, that you must always put first in your life."

"Remember that Jesus's power came through His single-minded devotion to the will of the Father.  He never varied from that which pleased His Father. Strive to be that kind of disciple of the Father and the Son, and your influence will never fade."

Lately life has felt like such a battle, a battle of balance with myself, my kids, my responsibilities, my wants, my hopes and dreams even.
I may never stop wishing it were a little more clear how I could best spend my time each day but I'm sure I'll be happier as I keep learning to let the small stuff go sometimes and just let things be.  And learn to embrace life's inevitable flow too. It's okay if my house isn't always perfectly tidy, my kids aren't always dressed, that hard parenting moments happen, it's okay.
It seems like searching for a good life balance of letting go and holding on will be something I'll always need to evaluate and reevaluate because our needs will always be changing.  And maybe "usually" isn't too bad.
As much as I sometimes wish for a life of leisure, or at least a day of it, the fact that people need me, that I have a purpose, and a commitment to try to serve God, that is what keeps my life focused on things that really matter. And as long as I try to have God be first, I can be strong enough to make it, know when to say "yes" when to say "no", when to let go and when to push through and make things happen.
I'm still waiting to grow out of feeling vulnerable but I'm trying to embrace who I am and who I'm trying to be. "Life is good, be happy, let it go." (my mom had this up in our house growing up, I don't know who to attribute it to though....) 
I included some of the pictures I took that morning. And now I'm so glad I captured this "normal" moment.