Europe we LOVE YOU: day one//august 24th//in transit

Trippin' in the Chicago airport.

I've never professed to love travel.
Destinations, yes, but travel, absolutely not. Due in large part (I believe) to my propensity to get motion sick.
But traveling without the kiddos is remarkably...less intense to put it simply.

waiting to board our flight slc>>chicago.

on our flight slc>>chicago.

Annie, Cole and I had a flight out of SLC about 8:30 am Monday morning and met Kevin (who flew from Houston) at the airport in Chicago. He'd been there for hours already and "had" to show us the trippy tunnel from one side of the airport to the other and the dinosaur, as they are the most exciting things in the entire airport Kevin found out while he waited for us and our flight out.

I spy my three traveling companions. 

Our United flights had in-plane or on-app free TV shows and movies...which was a very good thing since, despite my best efforts (eye mask, sleeping pill, noise canceling headphones, white noise app) was not able to sleep a wink on any of our flights. Pretty amazing especially considering sister had kept me up all but about 2 hours the night before (as I mentioned here). None of my traveling companions had the same problem, I really should have taken sleeping pictures, nothing more flattering than a "sleeping on a flight" picture... At least they had the new Cinderella, Inside Out, and McFarland, USA (none of which I'd seen) on the flights.

on our flight chicago>>budapest.

annie+cole chicago>>budapest.

We approached Budapest just as it was getting to be midnight for our body clocks and morning in Europe.  I caught glimpses (aisle seat) of ten story communist housing but none of the big buildings or even the Duna River that runs between Buda and Pest.
I couldn't help but remember the first time I'd flown into Budapest years earlier, serving as a full-time LDS missionary in Hungary for 18 months. At the time I hoped (I love big cities), but didn't know, that I'd serve more than a third of my mission in the city.  
All the flight attendants huddled around the windows to catch sights of the beautiful city and, much like my second descent into Budapest, I hadn't slept a wink, and all I could think was "I'm going to have to talk to all those people, in Hungarian..." I was scared to death.
This time I was not scared to death, a little nervous, I suppose, to see how our trip overall unfolded.  Hoping we'd be able to figure everything out, especially in the places we'd never been and where the language was truly foreign to us.
I was nervous to see how my city felt this time around though. Would I find out that I'd just remembered it better than it was? Would I remember it? Would it feel foreign again? Most of all would I still completely love it?
Our flight got in as scheduled and we quickly made our way through the airport to find a public transport ticket counter so we could make our way into the city.  We all decided to pack a carryon and one small bag so we didn't have to do any baggage checking even though we all got one free checked bag with our tickets. Each couple had an empty duffel in case we picked up enough stuff to need an extra bag on the way home, we didn't end up using them. But, later on our flights within Europe we were reminded again and again that an American "carry on" is NOT the same as a European "carry on".  Ha.
I digress.  We were off.

Budapest airport...I spy a water bottle falling out of Cole's backpack, not for the first (or the last) time. :)

normalcy suits me best.

My family is a movie quoting family, hard-core.

One of our favorites from childhood is, 
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." (Robin Hood)

I felt this to the most intense degree on our recent amazing adventure.

Taking it back a bit…

This summer was a rough one for this mama. I had NO IDEA how healthy it was for the boys to have some time away from each other until Lee stopped having preschool two mornings a week this summer…

The days dragged on because honestly, I was burnt out and maxed out before days had even really begun, like pre-10 am.

I was tired, quick to anger, slow to remember patience and often didn't feel much more than fleeting moments of joy in my chosen/given occupation/role: motherhood.
I felt guilty (of course) and unfulfilled and guilty some more.

Several months earlier, as the result of a string of events, Kevin and I had decided to and subsequently booked a trip to visit a few cities in Europe at the end of the summer with my sis and BIL. Hello dream vacation for this Europe loving soul.

My angel mother had graciously agreed to watch our three children while we were gone for ELEVEN DAYS.
(None of us knew at the time that this would end up being at the end of a summer completely filled with event hosting, world travel, missionary children coming and going, children moving cross-country, children starting college, as well as more than a handful of family weddings and mission farewells and homecomings outside our immediate family.)

Also worth noting: this was my first time leaving my kids, ever.

Kevin and I have historically been awful with prioritizing "us" time, even before we had kids. We were married but we we’re dating, you know what I mean?
But we'd finally worked consistent date nights into our monthly schedule last winter and of course it was the best decision ever.
Thus, more capable and used to thinking of us:couple us and not always just us:family of five us, we felt like this trip would be a really incredible time to spend with each other. And we recognized a good window of opportunity when we saw one, I wasn't pregnant nor did I have a newborn for the first time in over FOUR YEARS.

My trepidations (as worrying is first nature for me, working on it becoming less than second nature…) were laid aside and we were going.  And we felt really good about our decision.

We spent A LOT of time the coming months planning and preparing.

Researching cities, sites and travel guides, booking airbnb apartments, getting train tickets, public transport info, skip the line museum passes, etc....

We were as ready as we'd ever be and to be frank, most of me wasn't concerned about leaving the kids. Except for my parents' sake. Like I said I became so burnt out this summer I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, an “at the end of the summer I’m going to get a break, and an amazing one at that” thread.
The end of August finally came and, just as all my friends were getting their kids ready for the start of another school year (the joy of having only babies and preschoolers), we made the drive (read: trek) out to Utah and I spent about a week there with the kids before I flew out.
Sister seemed determined to help me feel ready to go by uncharacteristically waking up several times every night and even staying up all but 2 hours or so of the night before we flew out of town in the morning.
This post isn't intended to be about our trip though; I will post PLENTY about that soon.

It was wonderful to be back in Europe and seeing old favorite and new favorite places. Being able to come and go and do as we pleased was fantastic. I mean really, really nice.
Meal after meal without interruption of our conversations and eating when things were warm. Being able to go all day without taking out time for naps, unless I wanted one. Not having to wonder if the kids were going to get up during the night. Ha. Such luxuries.
I saw people everywhere with babies though, the airports, the streets, etc... And I'd feel this stab of missing my kids. I'd even sometimes watch home videos of them on my phone as we got ready for bed.  But I felt SO separated from them, literally worlds away. It felt weird. It was odd not to share each moment of my days with my children, not to hear their voices in the morning and all day long. Not to have them ask me questions or feed them, or change diapers, or wipe noses, or clean up the same messes a hundred times. It was weird not to share my experiences with them. I’d see something and instantly think of how Lee or Drew would have been SO EXCITED.

A little over halfway into our trip we finally connected with my Mom and were able to Facetime with the kids a bit, whew.  Here we were in ROME and I just wanted to spend the rest of my day talking to my kids.  They were ESTATIC to see our faces, Drew cried when one of us was out of view.

Their smiles, their tales, their voices, their intense love all of it was wonderful. Ah. I missed them, officially and intensely.

About a week before the end of our time away I got hit with a crazy stomach sickness that dragged on throughout the rest of our trip.
One day I was feeling particularly bad, just wanting to be home, in MY bed with MY bathroom, not missing my once in a lifetime trip sights huddled in the corner of a bathroom….

That evening my sister was Facetiming my mom and my boys came on. I felt such a surge of love. They were concerned for me, asking what was wrong, making me laugh with their funny voices and speech patterns, sister bobbed her head excitedly when she saw my face on the screen.

The mommy siren came wailing on extremely and suddenly all my dreams of world travel and even my perspective of the trip I was on got blasted back into perspective.


 I started thinking again about WHY I do what I do. 

About how, when actually given a chance to put those parental obligations on hold for a bit, how hollow the happiness the adventures bring is comparatively.

Did we see and experiences remarkable, wonderful things? Yes.

Did it bring the kind of lasting, deep-rooted joy and satisfaction of parenting? No.

We were actually a bit surprised.

As we walked down some beautifully quaint and moonlit streets one night in Rome, Kevin and I talked about how wanderlust is fun but not fulfilling. We expected this to feel like a second honeymoon, excitement and happiness just completely brimming over but it wasn't because now, unlike then as newlyweds, a huge part of our family was missing. Don’t misunderstand, we Loved it. We had such an amazing time. But it wasn't forever; it wasn't what we'd always want to do. And especially what we'd want to have as our top priority.

You can't pretend you don't have kids when you're away. Once you’re a parent it doesn’t go away, that obligation and that gifts that come with it are always there, tugging at you, reminding you where you’re needed.

We saw some of the most beautiful things and places in the world and ate really delicious food.

 My art-loving heart was filled with admiration for the works I finally got to see of masters' I'd studied for years and years. And my foodie stomach couldn’t get enough (until I got sick of course).

It was so good. But it wasn't the very best.

There I was in some of the most beautiful and wonderful places I may ever be, and I found that I didn't want to wait too long to get back to wiping tears, giving kisses, changing diapers and breaking up fights day in and day out.
And I understood better, because of my time away, why, for those with the opportunity, being a parent is the greatest and most important position someone can hold. Working to fill that truly divine role brings a depth and breadth to life that can't even be mimicked by any other endeavor, adventure, or attainment.
Here I was on a dream vacation and I craved “mommy normalcy”.

In my exhaustion and weakness, I had allowed myself to get caught up in the glamour of the side of life that so many couples and individuals my age seem to lead; perfect and endless wardrobes, fancy houses, luxury living, consistent exotic travel, designer parties and whatever else looked much more amazing on social media than my life when I was emotionally, physically and mentally fried.

I let my vision slip and couldn’t clearly see the beauty in MY day to day living that meant I was mothering three angel children;

The tight leg hugs that leave physical reminders behind, cause you never can get all the food off a toddler’s mouth.

The laughter of contented play.

The joy of children newly discovering the world.

The love between siblings.

The spirit that comes with a child’s prayer.

The chaotic happiness of wrestling time with Papa.

 I’d started to forget how precious those moments were to me. 

I don’t think we made the wrong choice going.

I don’t think you have to go on an incredible adventure to maintain equilibrium in life either. 

I think we learned a lot about what we need as a couple and a family. 

I think I’m so blessed person to be able to be a mom.

I think that being a mom and wife will continue to be the best and hardest things I do.

I know that God will make right all that is wrong about the world for those sweet and wonderful people I love that want to be parents and can’t.

I know God can help those of us in the brutal “young mother” stage see the good, see the magic and feel His love for us and our children. 

I know too, that life will continue to be real and hard, we had an incredibly difficult drive back home from Utah to Texas after returning from our trip, one I’d like to fade in my memory and my muscle memory (too much travel, my body HATES sitting now) as soon as possible.

I know with God’s help we can progress and change, even and especially in our parenting.

I know I love these three faces (below); captured by Kevin on the most normal of evenings just before we left on our trip, dirty faces, sandwiches, pj’s and all. 

In fact, I LOVE that this “normal night” was captured.  “Mommy normalcy”, I know better now, is exactly my cup of tea.

zoo views.

I love that at this age, my boys can enjoy and see with wonder the world around them, even, and sometimes especially, the things they interact with over and over again.
The same racetrack brings delight day after day, a favorite book, or game, a certain slide at a park, or a special shirt from Grandma.

"If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older." 

-Abraham Sutzkever

One of my boys' "love it always, every time, whenever" things is the zoo.  (We have a pass through Kevin's work that pays for itself if you get there only twice.) We take the family out to visit the animals quite a lot. They love it every time.  I for one personally love it most in the dead of winter here because the temps are so much more bearable.  But even dripping in sweat on our most recent visit, the boys were in toddler heaven.
These are some pictures from the last two times we went...you can tell which trip was in the middle of July by the wet hair and red faces. :)

usually.

The other day, I made a conscious decision to just "let things be". I didn't get the kids dressed, didn't comb their hair, and just let them play after breakfast. As they played I decided to grab my camera and capture some "real moments" that I'd normally shy away from, since no one was dressed, everyone's hair was crazy and things were just generally out of order. 

Since that day I've thought a lot about letting go; when I should, what I should and how I should go about figuring it all out.

It's hard for me sometimes to know what to let go, what to push for, what to do with my spare minutes that I collect in pretty small quantities these days.  Trying to find a life balance for myself and my kids is tricky, not the task of one decision-making day and then it's forever clear after that.

Instead I find myself, daily, sometimes hourly, wondering how I should use time, let my kids use their time and what we should make important.
There are some things that will always make the important list for me; prayers, scripture study, family home evening, not that knowing they are important to us makes them magically easy to make happen, in fact they are some of the harder things to do with the kids at this stage of life. (I appreciate my parents' consistency so much now)  But at least I don't have to wonder if I want to have a place for them in our days, it's all the other things that prove more difficult to decide about for me.

As I struggle to find a sure solution for how to manage I've found that we all (my family and I) seem to do best with a bit of a balance I realized I live a life of usually.

Usually I get my kids dressed.
Usually we don't do screen time during the week.
Usually meals are consumed around the table together.
Usually we we limit ourselves to one package of fruit snacks a day.
Usually I try to have some learning happen for our children in our home.
Usually I spend most of the day breaking up fights and kissing ouchies.
Usually the rest of my day revolves around feeding, cleaning up after children, with countless diaper changes thrown in the mix.
Usually a day includes at least one batch of laundry.
Usually I clean up about a million times and tell myself to wait to clean about a million more times.
Usually I tell myself I am definitely going to bed earlier tonight when I roll out of bed to exercise and study in the morning before my full-blown mothering duties start calling (quite literally).
Usually I wish I were a little better at food intake choices and quantities for myself and my kids.
Usually I wish I'd been able to be a little (or a lot) more patient with my kids, my spouse and myself.
Usually I wish I felt stronger and more capable.
Usually I wake up wanting to be better than the day before.
Usually I end up apologizing a lot, sometimes the occasion warrants it, often it doesn't.
Usually I say about a thousand prayers for help and strength during a normal day.
Usually I try not to compare myself to everyone else.
Usually I worry that I'm not doing enough or the right things in my church calling.
Usually I wonder at least once a day, if I'm doing something wrong and that's why "fill in the blank" is happening.
Usually I worry a bit too much what others think of me and it keeps me being more guarded than I'd like to be.
Usually I stress too much about messes.
Usually I try to stop stressing so much about messes.
Usually I wish that children were born potty trained.
Usually I love the hilarious things my kids say throughout a day.
Usually I make some time to be with the kids "unplugged" from distractions and to-do's.
Usually I worry about my kids making good choices when they are older.
Usually I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and it will all work out.
Usually I still have to tell myself that it will all work out and that I'm not just defined by my actions in my moments of weakness.
Usually I can see answers and guidance in retrospect and not nearly as often in the moment.
Usually I feel so grateful to be a mother, and know it is the best calling and job in the world.
Usually.

I think sometimes, as women especially, we have a hard time letting it be, when we are doing our best, we rarely let ourselves feel God's approval and love.  Obviously we are all imperfect, mistake-making people, but I know that I at least struggle to keep that acknowledgement of weakness within the healthy realm that inspires and drives me in a positive way to keep working on it with hope that I can change.
Instead I often find myself working on my "endless list of weaknesses" and feel like they will always be this personal load I'm trying to get rid of that is never quite gone. I don't think that is what God wants us to feel about ourselves and the weaknesses and trials we all deal with. 

Conversely, I think we live in a time when many, appear at least, to be too easy on themselves, having very loose moral codes and selfishness seems to primarily drive their lives and priorities.  I know that isn't what brings real happiness either.
"...New York Times columnist David Brooks said: 

“People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice--commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

(referenced here)

Recently I read a talk (you can find it here) given by a leader in our church Elder D. Todd Christofferson, he said;

"...Of all your associations, it is your relationship with God, your Heavenly Father, who is the source of your moral power, that you must always put first in your life."

"Remember that Jesus's power came through His single-minded devotion to the will of the Father.  He never varied from that which pleased His Father. Strive to be that kind of disciple of the Father and the Son, and your influence will never fade."

Lately life has felt like such a battle, a battle of balance with myself, my kids, my responsibilities, my wants, my hopes and dreams even.
I may never stop wishing it were a little more clear how I could best spend my time each day but I'm sure I'll be happier as I keep learning to let the small stuff go sometimes and just let things be.  And learn to embrace life's inevitable flow too. It's okay if my house isn't always perfectly tidy, my kids aren't always dressed, that hard parenting moments happen, it's okay.
It seems like searching for a good life balance of letting go and holding on will be something I'll always need to evaluate and reevaluate because our needs will always be changing.  And maybe "usually" isn't too bad.
As much as I sometimes wish for a life of leisure, or at least a day of it, the fact that people need me, that I have a purpose, and a commitment to try to serve God, that is what keeps my life focused on things that really matter. And as long as I try to have God be first, I can be strong enough to make it, know when to say "yes" when to say "no", when to let go and when to push through and make things happen.
I'm still waiting to grow out of feeling vulnerable but I'm trying to embrace who I am and who I'm trying to be. "Life is good, be happy, let it go." (my mom had this up in our house growing up, I don't know who to attribute it to though....) 
I included some of the pictures I took that morning. And now I'm so glad I captured this "normal" moment.