"that's not who you are."

Recent events and continuing struggles for some people dear to me have made me think back to those three years (see post) I waited and wondered if I'd ever have children.
Those were not the happiest times in my life, in fact they were some of the darkest,  I'm so in awe of the people I love who are handling similar heartbreak with vibrant and strong faith in God's timing and will.  But I recognize now that I tried the best I knew how to handle my circumstance at the time and I think most people do. We are innately much stronger than we think and feel we are, if we could just remember and believe it all the time.

Now a little over two years later, blessed with two miracle boys, I still can't believe they are ours sometimes.

I also can't believe the struggle that is now ours as parents. These last few months I have felt stretched so far beyond my capacity to handle, I've thought on numerous occasions that I'd physically or mentally give out, literally. With a bad sleeping phase of Drew's that started about 3 months ago I realized that the less sleep I got, the worse my thoughts seemed to become. I started having very negative thoughts about myself and terrible moments of anxiety again. I was fighting thoughts of worthlessness in my role as a mother, and a huge lack of capacity. I felt like I couldn't be a mom, I was failing that terribly at it.  I worried for my children, how they'd be affected by a mom that couldn't cut it.  I was filled with negative and frantic energy and (needless to say) deep guilt. I, who had waited desperately to become a mom, was awful at it and frankly, not enjoying it much. I felt like a hypocrite and a failure.  These thoughts, of course, pushed out any calm, faith and love I felt.

One day, I couldn't get Drew to go down for a nap (this was still back when he was just starting into the no-sleep zone) in the middle of an anxiety attack I called my mom, desperate for some advice or wisdom. I shared how I felt, mostly about myself, and she shared a simple phrase that was the turning point for me to start coming back to a realistic, healthy and kind view of myself.
She said at one time, when she was really struggling with anxiety herself, she was counseled to remember that thoughts and feelings that bring negative energy are not from our loving and concerned Heavenly Father, they come only from Satan. She was then counseled to remember, "that's not who you are". She said she started to say that phrase aloud or in her mind to herself when she could feel her thoughts moving in the wrong direction, "that's not who you are" and getting herself  back in a safe mindset. I was a bit skeptical but the truths she'd shared rang true, deep down, and I was willing to try it.
"That's not who you are," I said in my mind the next time I found I was on the edge again, rocking Drew when he wouldn't nap again. And like a light turning on in a dark room, I could feel the truth of it push the other thoughts away, and the validity of the negative thoughts that had started to pour in was gone.
I believe there is great power, for those of us who struggle with anxious and depressed thoughts, in finding and clinging to powerful statements of truth in times of need and reminder.
This is where you'd expect me to say that, since I'd learned how to battle the anxiety (again), the trial went away.  Well, Drew took his first nap in several months since then....yesterday, and I had to go and be with him three times. I'm still getting less hours of sleep than what you can count on one hand. And yet to say this is a trial, makes me feel guilty and lame all over again, here I have people I know, and loads of people I don't, experiencing real heartbreak and tragedy, sickness and sadness.  I know I'm just a little sleep deprived but comparisons aren't helpful to anyone who is already feeling bad about feeling burdened by their particular circumstance I suppose.  I have no idea what lies ahead on my journey through life, but I do know that whatever trial or struggle, the truth is always the same. Our Savior, because he selflessly atoned for me (us), we are never alone, we are never hopeless, we are always capable, because of Him, if we'll accept His help. It sometimes really feels like we're going it alone, doesn't it? But I believe and God has reminded me over and over again that we can always see His hand and Christ's help in our day-to-day if we prayerfully seek it.  I'm still learning how to do that consistently and well.   I always feel a bit vulnerable sharing these experiences publicly but I do it because I hope that if you, like me, find yourself needing to be reminded of the truth of who you are and what you are worth, remember that those other things you may be tempted to think, "that's not who you are."