let go.

I've talked about it before, I'll probably talk about it again....since I've yet to master this weakness (and a couple others...).
Almost without fail it seems like with the passage of time comes a rekindling of some of my old ways of thinking, seemingly without my notice.
Days go by, life is busy.
And inevitably the day to day grind of raising a 2 year old and a 1 year old and being 30+ weeks pregnant leaves me feeling like I'm just "this close" to drowning in all that I should do, handle, teach, keep up, manage, etc...
Not to even mention all the things I'd like to make time for, on the side, that keep me thinking, creating...sane.

I am completely aware that motherhood is the greatest blessing I've experienced, and I feel moments of gratitude daily for the miracle of having any children at all (see post here).
But that doesn't make me good at being a mom or a homemaker or a wife...as much as I wish the desire and gratitude did in fact translate into ability and stamina.
But that not even the point of this post.

The point is, I don't generally wallow in those hard moments>>
I expect them, basically always.
And here's where a weakness of mine comes in.
I am SO good at expecting perfecting trials in life, but I am SO not good at expecting blessings or good things.
I try desperately to count my blessings and I know that I am so blessed, and that scares me too.
I naturally tend to think, "life is too good, I'm so blessed, what awful thing is about to happen?"
I'm also that person that expects every hardship I hear about to happen to me next.
I also think that somehow the trials of motherhood shouldn't "count" because after all, I really wanted and want to be a mom. More than anything else. And children are unquestionably, a blessing.

But after weeks of my -way too old to be up most of the night- "baby" is up for days and weeks on end and my sweet 2 year old just can't seem to get over his fear of being somewhere without me and I have to leave him screaming in nursery, again. And my days become a blur of runny noses, messy shirts, poop stained clothes, (theirs and mine) food smeared floors and general chaos....even though I don't feel like I have the right, I feel pretty overwhelmed each day and night.
So you know, guilt+anxiety...
Perfect.

Well, I'm at that "feel like I'm nearly drowning, sick about it, don't know what to do, guilty, exhausted" stage last week...
And I'm out exercising by myself, which never happens. I took advantage of the time to get a little scripture study in too, while out in nature and without interruption. It was a beautiful day.

I was reading "The Resurrection of Jesus Christ" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Read about living prophets in our day here.

As I've listened to and read this address before I've been struck by the powerful evidence of so much of God's plan for His children that is confirmed just by knowing that Jesus Christ is a living, resurrected being, a God like our Heavenly Father.

But this time...I was caught by insight into the reaction of the disciples from His time when He rose from the tomb as a resurrected being;

E. Christofferson spoke about how those disciples closest to Christ at the time of His death did not comprehend or believe in the miracle of His Resurrection until they had seen Him with their own eyes...

"Despite what the Savior had repeatedly said of His death and subsequent rising again, they had not understood."

And speaking of the joy they felt when they knew that Christ had overcome death;

"But that joy came only as the disciples became eyewitnesses of the Resurrection, for even the declaration of angels that He had risen was at first incomprehensible--it was something so unprecedented." (emphasis added)

When I read this I was reminded that sometimes,
even for really good people, trying to do their very best,
even for Christ's own disciples,
God's blessings are hard to imagine, expect or comprehend.
Even when the promise of them is given over and over and over.
Even when we have felt, feel and know in our hearts that God is a loving Heavenly Father that wants so badly to bless us.

I'm not saying we have to see a miracle before we can believe in it, but I realized that I'm not alone in my struggle to fully comprehend just how much God can and will bless me.
And that my struggle to expect His blessings and goodness is a worthwhile endeavor.

My mom has always told me (this may very well be a famous quote, I can't remember)

"Let go and let God."

Meaning that I need to let go of trying to be in "control" of what may come in my future by fearfully anticipating it.
And let God guide my path, bless me with challenges AND tremendous gifts.
And let go of trying to quantify and qualify my feelings, it's okay for a blessing to feel like more than I know how to bear at times. It doesn't have to mean I'm somehow ungrateful just simply that some blessings stretch us past our previous capacity.

As a reminder of just that goodness and desire to bless us I struggle with,  I was blessed with another reminder of God's character in this address.

This quote from it (below) could have been said directly to me, considering my struggle.

(It seemed only fitting to put such a perfect reminder for me with a picture I snapped from that day I was out exercising and was blessed with another tender mercy reminder...
plus I'm obsessed with surrounding myself with powerful quotes.)


I have obviously not quite mastered this yet but I was and am grateful for a reminder that even really good people struggle to fully comprehend God's goodness.
And it's okay, just keep trying to believe it.
In this as in all struggle, we are never alone. I know that for certain.

I know I'm not alone in my struggle to "let go and let God" bless me and help me, I hope I (we all) can learn to put down my umbrella and catch more of the constant shower of God's blessings for me.

"that's not who you are."

Recent events and continuing struggles for some people dear to me have made me think back to those three years (see post) I waited and wondered if I'd ever have children.
Those were not the happiest times in my life, in fact they were some of the darkest,  I'm so in awe of the people I love who are handling similar heartbreak with vibrant and strong faith in God's timing and will.  But I recognize now that I tried the best I knew how to handle my circumstance at the time and I think most people do. We are innately much stronger than we think and feel we are, if we could just remember and believe it all the time.

Now a little over two years later, blessed with two miracle boys, I still can't believe they are ours sometimes.

I also can't believe the struggle that is now ours as parents. These last few months I have felt stretched so far beyond my capacity to handle, I've thought on numerous occasions that I'd physically or mentally give out, literally. With a bad sleeping phase of Drew's that started about 3 months ago I realized that the less sleep I got, the worse my thoughts seemed to become. I started having very negative thoughts about myself and terrible moments of anxiety again. I was fighting thoughts of worthlessness in my role as a mother, and a huge lack of capacity. I felt like I couldn't be a mom, I was failing that terribly at it.  I worried for my children, how they'd be affected by a mom that couldn't cut it.  I was filled with negative and frantic energy and (needless to say) deep guilt. I, who had waited desperately to become a mom, was awful at it and frankly, not enjoying it much. I felt like a hypocrite and a failure.  These thoughts, of course, pushed out any calm, faith and love I felt.

One day, I couldn't get Drew to go down for a nap (this was still back when he was just starting into the no-sleep zone) in the middle of an anxiety attack I called my mom, desperate for some advice or wisdom. I shared how I felt, mostly about myself, and she shared a simple phrase that was the turning point for me to start coming back to a realistic, healthy and kind view of myself.
She said at one time, when she was really struggling with anxiety herself, she was counseled to remember that thoughts and feelings that bring negative energy are not from our loving and concerned Heavenly Father, they come only from Satan. She was then counseled to remember, "that's not who you are". She said she started to say that phrase aloud or in her mind to herself when she could feel her thoughts moving in the wrong direction, "that's not who you are" and getting herself  back in a safe mindset. I was a bit skeptical but the truths she'd shared rang true, deep down, and I was willing to try it.
"That's not who you are," I said in my mind the next time I found I was on the edge again, rocking Drew when he wouldn't nap again. And like a light turning on in a dark room, I could feel the truth of it push the other thoughts away, and the validity of the negative thoughts that had started to pour in was gone.
I believe there is great power, for those of us who struggle with anxious and depressed thoughts, in finding and clinging to powerful statements of truth in times of need and reminder.
This is where you'd expect me to say that, since I'd learned how to battle the anxiety (again), the trial went away.  Well, Drew took his first nap in several months since then....yesterday, and I had to go and be with him three times. I'm still getting less hours of sleep than what you can count on one hand. And yet to say this is a trial, makes me feel guilty and lame all over again, here I have people I know, and loads of people I don't, experiencing real heartbreak and tragedy, sickness and sadness.  I know I'm just a little sleep deprived but comparisons aren't helpful to anyone who is already feeling bad about feeling burdened by their particular circumstance I suppose.  I have no idea what lies ahead on my journey through life, but I do know that whatever trial or struggle, the truth is always the same. Our Savior, because he selflessly atoned for me (us), we are never alone, we are never hopeless, we are always capable, because of Him, if we'll accept His help. It sometimes really feels like we're going it alone, doesn't it? But I believe and God has reminded me over and over again that we can always see His hand and Christ's help in our day-to-day if we prayerfully seek it.  I'm still learning how to do that consistently and well.   I always feel a bit vulnerable sharing these experiences publicly but I do it because I hope that if you, like me, find yourself needing to be reminded of the truth of who you are and what you are worth, remember that those other things you may be tempted to think, "that's not who you are."

lee boy had surgery.

Lee in his "special pj's" playing with toys waiting.

With Papa.

more toys. more waiting

About a month and a half ago now (I’m so behind) our little Lee boy had to have a small surgery done to get some things that didn’t fully work themselves out during prenatal development fixed. The surgeon assured us that it was a standard and low-risk procedure but it would require an anesthesia-induced sleep.

Try as I might to fight it, on the days leading up to the surgery the thought that kept creeping into my mind was “what if something happened? Something can always happen.”

I got really anxious.

Partially because it’s true that something can always go wrong and partially because anxiety is real for me, I thought a lot of scary thoughts.

Eventually though, I found myself thinking about what it must have felt like for God to sacrifice His Son, as the center of the plan that redeems all of us.  It’s quite hard to actually grasp the depth and breadth of that sacrifice for both Father and Son.

I could try and share more of my insights where that is concerned but I have a hard time finding words that could adequately describe what that sacrifice means.

The whole experience became another example of how good God is.

(A recurring theme for me, I know, good thing it’s a good theme, right?)

Somehow He managed to turn something, like my struggles with anxiety, into a chance to gain insight, understanding and strengthened faith in His perfect goodness and the perfection of His plan for me and everyone else for that matter. 

Post-surgery before he woke up from the anesthesia.

Lee boy’s surgery went well, he was in a lot of pain that day but his recovery was remarkably quick. It was a long, scary/stressful day but we absolutely felt the prayers and fasting offered in his behalf throughout the day. And kids truley do bounce back so quickly, it is a miracle.  

We even had some inspired and wonderful friends offer to bring us dinner that night, first time having jambalaya…good gravy it is delicious.

I love my boys.  I am more grateful than ever for the miracle of even having them and that, on top of that, they have healthy, proper-functioning bodies.  

what i couldn't see.

It’s funny how we seem to be able to spot the improvements or happiness or growth of others and can be so blind to it in ourselves.

For me maybe it’s because I tend to get “trucking along", caught up in the immediate tasks at hand; cleaning up spit up, changing a diaper, putting away toys, reading books, doing dishes, picking up food my toddler threw, again. Often the busyness of the “everyday” keeps my thoughts singled to the very moment I find myself in.  Maybe it’s because my “progress of the soul” seems to happen at such a slow rate that it’s easy to miss. 

Whatever the reason, I was startled when my aunt Janet told me yesterday how good it was to see me so content with my life.  I hadn’t realized, not really anyway, how true that statement was.  I found myself thinking about what she’d said over and over that evening.  Why hadn’t I seen it? What changed?

My struggle with contentment started over four years ago, soon after I got married.  At the time I didn’t know that my weight gain and struggle to loose it were affected in part by a condition I didn’t know I had, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. This would also be the cause of my inability to have children for three years.  I remember telling my sister how I felt like I was “past my prime” and I’d never feel beautiful again. I struggled with my self-image as I continued to battle with weight loss and infertility, I even lost all the natural curl I’d had in my hair during infertility treatment. I remember day after day getting ready and not really looking at myself, disappointed with what I saw.  A quote from a favorite movie would often pop into my head; “as usual this is as good as it’s going to get” and I felt that.  Add to that the struggle and sadness I felt, waiting for my life to really begin and be meaningful because I wanted desperately to be a mom. (more on that here and here)

I was blessed with my first miracle baby in April 2012 and I thought my struggles would end.  I loved my baby with my whole heart but I found that I still did not love myself.  My body felt awkward and foreign, my new life did too.  I struggled through each day and each night with a baby that wouldn’t eat or sleep. I wondered hopelessly how to overcome so many “struggles of self”.  I could barely make it out the door, let alone exercise or eat well (if at all) or have good, helpful scripture study or meaningful prayers, though I desperately needed them.  If I had a quiet moment, I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I felt a lot of despair and awful guilt.  I was finally a mom and all I could do was complain and lament about how awful I felt as an individual. Five months later I was miraculously pregnant again. And yet I struggled with feelings of fear, despair and guilt. Fear that I wouldn't be able to be a good enough mom to two, despair that I would never be in control of my body and guilt that I wasn't being a good enough mom to the son I had. 

I realized all I could do was try, so I did.  I tried to read from the scriptures or the words of living prophets’ whenever I had the chance; even it was in bite-size increments. I tried to exercise as many days as possible, even if it meant walking around the house or up and down the stairs during a nap.  I tried to eat well; I rid our house of foods that were bad for me. I tried to be aware of food quantities. I tried to ask for help when I needed it, especially from Kevin. I tried not to be so hard on myself. I tried to count each step in the right direction as a victory.  I tried to see each day as a new chance to be a little better; I tried not to look back and focus on failures. I tried to see myself as the sum of my victories and blessings and not as what I didn’t do or what I physically wasn’t. I prayed throughout the day for help, help to overcome the weaknesses I had, help to be happy, help to be a better and kinder wife and mother. I prayed to see God’s hand in my life that day, every day.

And without hardly any detection of my own,

I was learning to love myself “in transit”, but I couldn’t see it. 

Sure, I could tell I felt better than at my lowest points. But until my aunt pointed it out last night, I had somehow missed how much more content I’d become with who I am.

I’m still learning to love myself (of course), still trying to do those things that help me feel content with myself while I push through and try to be better and happier. I have bad days. Good gravy! I have "epic fail" days. But I have good days too and every day I've looked for it, I’ve found God’s hand in it.

Once again I’ve been reminded that God is good, He teaches us lessons through others. He knows what we need, He has a plan that is perfect for each of us. He hears our prayers of grief, pain, distress, joy, gratitude, fear and love. He wants us to overcome our weakness; He wants us to be content while we travel through our life’s journey and not just when we finally find ourselves at our destination.

So, from one who needed it, tell someone/everyone the good you see in them.  You never know what it will do for them.

Happy Monday!

"our mothers knew it."

I’ve read this particular scripture story countless times; about a group of 2,000 teenage boys that bravely go to fight against their enemies so that their fathers, who promised never to kill again after they came to a belief in Christ, would not have to break that promise.

The thing that really gets me about the story though isn’t the boys bravery or even their unwavering faith in God’s protection, though both are remarkable, it is the fact that when their leader, Helaman, asked them about the source of this unmatched strength and faith they simply reply, “We do not doubt our mothers knew it.”*

Well now I’m the mom of two baby boys, who I know will grow faster than I can possibly imagine right now. And this week I can’t stop wondering, over and over, “What kind of mothers did those boys have exactly?” 

I wonder what I’d see if I were to somehow observe their daily interactions with their children within their homes. How did they show such great faith that their boys were described as men who “…put their trust in God continually”*?

I want to give that to my boys.  I can’t think of anything more empowering than an unwavering faith in God. There are so many things today, in our world, that are frightening, heart wrenching, debased, cowardly and amoral. There are countless influences that will not be concerned about the true wellbeing of my boys. But I am. 

I am.

But what does that mean exactly? I sure pictured myself as a different mom growing up than I am.  It is so much harder than I ever imagined to have daily family prayer and scripture study, to discipline as the Savior might and act out of love and not react out of the frustration of the moment. It is so much more exhausting than I knew day-to-day living could be.

I worry about my sons’ futures and the choices they’ll make.  I worry that I’m not teaching them well enough, how can you know that you’re doing enough?

Can my boys tell how much I love and rely on my Savior? How do I show them, really, that the only way to be happy now and forever is to follow, as exactly as possible, the loving guidelines that God has given us in His commandments from ancient and living prophets? How do you teach them that it really does matter, what we do, say and think, how we live and the little choices we make? How do I teach them what I know?

You may be thinking, “Good gravy Michelle! You are over complicating this, you just keep living and teaching them, every day.” It sure feels less simple than it sounds.   

I know there probably can’t be one fail-proof answer to my questions.  I also know, based on past experience, these are likely the types of questions that may only be answered one day at a time, as experiences pile up and deepen my understanding. But I do hope that somehow, no matter what choices my boys make in the future,they will be able to say without a doubt that their mother “knew it” too. In spite of how weak I feel.  Because I do, and I’m trying to live what I believe today and tomorrow… I hope it rubs off a little.

And I hope your successes rub off on me too, how do you do it? What are your little victories? As much bad as there is in the world, I am constantly surprised and thrilled at how much good I find in the people I get to interact with too.  So thank you.

*Alma 56:48 ,57:27

mission calls and a special halloween.

 Much of our Halloween was the same as most, we (Lee) dressed up, we had our bowl of treats ready for the trick-or-treaters and we had our traditional chilli, hot cider and doughnuts with family.  But the beginning and end of the day were what set this Halloween apart from others.  At 6 am Kev and I got texts telling us that our sister, Annie, had gotten her mission call. (In our neighborhood, missionaries get a call as soon as the mail is sorted in the morning.)
So, as if it were my own mission call all over again, I had a hard time sleeping after that.  But Annie (and everyone else) had obligations that kept us from finding out where she'd go until 7:30 that evening. 

*How quickly this is all devoured. :)*

Needless to say, having Annie decide to serve as a full-time missionary for our church for a year and a half has brought back tons of memories from my own experience both from deciding to serve a mission and as a missionary.  Serving as a full-time missionary is absolutely a unique time in a person's life and one that would be impossible to forget.

 Here are some of the moments Kev captured as Annie read and shared her mission call with all of us. (several computers and iPhone facetime-s were also set up so friends and extended family could participate.)

*Perth Australia Mission. *

Our cousin got her mission call the same night and is also called to serve in Australia. (in the Sydney mission) She and Annie report to the MTC on the same day.

(Here's a New York Times article that Annie was featured in regarding her decision to serve.)

 Since Annie's call I pulled out my missionary journal and started to read through the first few entries.  My mission is the one time in my entire life that I have consistently written in a journal daily and now I cherish the recorded memories. I was shocked at how many emotions I felt as I re-read my entries from MY first few days in the MTC.

*my missionary journal.*

*entry from my first full day as a missionary.*

As I was reading through entries from my first few days in the MTC I came across this entry;

-march.19.07 monday-
"...It's been a good day.  I felt so strongly today that I'm completely inadequate to share the Gospel, I can't do it myself...this scripture in Matthew really struck me, 

"I will make you fishers of men..."

It just hit me, Christ makes us missionaries. We really aren't alone."

As I read this today I was again struck by the power of Christ's promise in this scripture, He will make us capable of whatever it is that He has called us to do, whether it be full-time missionaries, wives, mothers, sisters, teachers, friends, leaders, daughters or whatever else we may be called on to do.  We don't have to become on our own.  Christ's Atonement enables us to be whatever it is that we need to be.  Just as He helps us as missionaries, so He helps us in every day of our lives as we struggle through our weaknesses and imperfections to serve Him.

life: postpartum.

I have so many thoughts and feelings and they just weren’t coming together in the way I hoped so, a list will have to do.

 

·     * Lee Daken is the most wonderful blessing and miracle Kevin and I have experienced to date. 

·      *The process of delivery is a beautiful miracle.

·     * The incredible women who place babies for adoption to give them a better life are some of the strongest and  most selfless people in the world.

·     * A mother's-love is one of the most powerful things I have ever felt.

·     * Babies are so incredibly close to God.

·     * Each birth of a child is a miracle.

 

·      The desire and longing to be a mother doesn’t make me super-human in dealing with the physical strain of a new baby that doesn’t sleep at night very much.

·      Trying to meet the simple needs of an infant can be absolutely exhausting.

·      Spending all day everyday trying to meet the simple needs of baby Lee has brought the greatest happiness I’ve experienced as well as the greatest physical strain.

·      I don’t know how you couldn’t be absolutely obsessed with your children.

 

·        * I can’t watch or hold our sweet Lee enough.

·     * I don’t know how to properly thank our Heavenly Father for the much-desired blessing of being a mother.

·    *  My heart aches for those I love still waiting to be wives and mothers.

·     * I feel like I can relate to Alma the younger in his feelings after he repented and received forgiveness in my feelings during our trial of faith with infertility and since Lee was born;

Alma 36:20 “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”

 

* There is so much physical and emotional change that comes with having a baby. 

  *   Having a baby really changes a body physically. Those changes, though maybe not permanent, are really hard emotionally while they last.

*It is really emotionally straining when you don’t know how to help your baby. (i.e. when Lee had Jaundice or when his circumcision site was bleeding and we had to take him to the E.R. or when he wouldn’t eat at first and I tried everything with the aide of 3 different lactation specialists before I had any success.)  

      PS, Everything is fine now, all that happened in the first week of Lee’s life.

In his Billibed.

 

*     It takes no time at all to feel genuine and sometimes painful concern for your children. (I can’t imagine what it will be like when they have emotional hardships too.)

*     Nothing but continuously praying for strength and guidance could get me through being a new mom and having absolutely no idea what I’m doing really.

*      Motherhood has brought me a strong sense of need for the Atonement of our Savior.

*      Being a mother is the most wonderful occupation in the world for me.

 

·     * A good dad/husband makes all the difference for a tired mom/wife. Kevin has been my lifesaver.

·     * My own mother is an absolute SUPERSTAR, I can’t imagine how she managed to raise 6 of us with a husband that had very demanding callings in our church that required him to be out of the home most evenings and Sundays basically the whole time we were all growing up.

·    *  My Momma saved me the first few weeks of Lee’s life and we BOTH miss her like crazy now that we’re away in Colorado for the summer.

Me and Lee on our first outing.

The whole family.

 

·     * I can only imagine how hard it must be for our Heavenly Father to let us suffer to become like Him and to let Christ suffer so that we are able to return to Him someday.

·    *  My mind can easily go crazy wanting some semblance of order and activity in my life while my physical body is just not ready for it yet.                                                          

 

*      Family truly is the most important thing in the world, in whatever type or size of family we find ourselves.

*      Our waiting and struggle has affected every aspect of being parents now, we are different people and parents than we ever could have been if we hadn’t gone through that particular trial first.  

 

*      I STILL don’t understand God’s timing but I daily have to keep reminding myself that God knows truly what’s best for us and that I have to put my trust in Him.

*      As the sons of Mosiah learned from reflecting on their mission experiences in retrospect, I know that God fulfills ALL His promises and hears ALL our prayers.

Alma 25:17 “…the Lord had granted unto them according to their prayers, and that he had also verified his word unto them in every particular.”