let go.

I've talked about it before, I'll probably talk about it again....since I've yet to master this weakness (and a couple others...).
Almost without fail it seems like with the passage of time comes a rekindling of some of my old ways of thinking, seemingly without my notice.
Days go by, life is busy.
And inevitably the day to day grind of raising a 2 year old and a 1 year old and being 30+ weeks pregnant leaves me feeling like I'm just "this close" to drowning in all that I should do, handle, teach, keep up, manage, etc...
Not to even mention all the things I'd like to make time for, on the side, that keep me thinking, creating...sane.

I am completely aware that motherhood is the greatest blessing I've experienced, and I feel moments of gratitude daily for the miracle of having any children at all (see post here).
But that doesn't make me good at being a mom or a homemaker or a wife...as much as I wish the desire and gratitude did in fact translate into ability and stamina.
But that not even the point of this post.

The point is, I don't generally wallow in those hard moments>>
I expect them, basically always.
And here's where a weakness of mine comes in.
I am SO good at expecting perfecting trials in life, but I am SO not good at expecting blessings or good things.
I try desperately to count my blessings and I know that I am so blessed, and that scares me too.
I naturally tend to think, "life is too good, I'm so blessed, what awful thing is about to happen?"
I'm also that person that expects every hardship I hear about to happen to me next.
I also think that somehow the trials of motherhood shouldn't "count" because after all, I really wanted and want to be a mom. More than anything else. And children are unquestionably, a blessing.

But after weeks of my -way too old to be up most of the night- "baby" is up for days and weeks on end and my sweet 2 year old just can't seem to get over his fear of being somewhere without me and I have to leave him screaming in nursery, again. And my days become a blur of runny noses, messy shirts, poop stained clothes, (theirs and mine) food smeared floors and general chaos....even though I don't feel like I have the right, I feel pretty overwhelmed each day and night.
So you know, guilt+anxiety...
Perfect.

Well, I'm at that "feel like I'm nearly drowning, sick about it, don't know what to do, guilty, exhausted" stage last week...
And I'm out exercising by myself, which never happens. I took advantage of the time to get a little scripture study in too, while out in nature and without interruption. It was a beautiful day.

I was reading "The Resurrection of Jesus Christ" by Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Read about living prophets in our day here.

As I've listened to and read this address before I've been struck by the powerful evidence of so much of God's plan for His children that is confirmed just by knowing that Jesus Christ is a living, resurrected being, a God like our Heavenly Father.

But this time...I was caught by insight into the reaction of the disciples from His time when He rose from the tomb as a resurrected being;

E. Christofferson spoke about how those disciples closest to Christ at the time of His death did not comprehend or believe in the miracle of His Resurrection until they had seen Him with their own eyes...

"Despite what the Savior had repeatedly said of His death and subsequent rising again, they had not understood."

And speaking of the joy they felt when they knew that Christ had overcome death;

"But that joy came only as the disciples became eyewitnesses of the Resurrection, for even the declaration of angels that He had risen was at first incomprehensible--it was something so unprecedented." (emphasis added)

When I read this I was reminded that sometimes,
even for really good people, trying to do their very best,
even for Christ's own disciples,
God's blessings are hard to imagine, expect or comprehend.
Even when the promise of them is given over and over and over.
Even when we have felt, feel and know in our hearts that God is a loving Heavenly Father that wants so badly to bless us.

I'm not saying we have to see a miracle before we can believe in it, but I realized that I'm not alone in my struggle to fully comprehend just how much God can and will bless me.
And that my struggle to expect His blessings and goodness is a worthwhile endeavor.

My mom has always told me (this may very well be a famous quote, I can't remember)

"Let go and let God."

Meaning that I need to let go of trying to be in "control" of what may come in my future by fearfully anticipating it.
And let God guide my path, bless me with challenges AND tremendous gifts.
And let go of trying to quantify and qualify my feelings, it's okay for a blessing to feel like more than I know how to bear at times. It doesn't have to mean I'm somehow ungrateful just simply that some blessings stretch us past our previous capacity.

As a reminder of just that goodness and desire to bless us I struggle with,  I was blessed with another reminder of God's character in this address.

This quote from it (below) could have been said directly to me, considering my struggle.

(It seemed only fitting to put such a perfect reminder for me with a picture I snapped from that day I was out exercising and was blessed with another tender mercy reminder...
plus I'm obsessed with surrounding myself with powerful quotes.)


I have obviously not quite mastered this yet but I was and am grateful for a reminder that even really good people struggle to fully comprehend God's goodness.
And it's okay, just keep trying to believe it.
In this as in all struggle, we are never alone. I know that for certain.

I know I'm not alone in my struggle to "let go and let God" bless me and help me, I hope I (we all) can learn to put down my umbrella and catch more of the constant shower of God's blessings for me.